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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25838425">run like the river</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/likelarry/pseuds/likelarry'>likelarry</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Friends With Benefits, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining, Slow Burn, Smut, Unrequited Love, a fair bit of smut, also zayn isnt alive anymore but i dont really consider him to be a major character, but it plays a big role in the fic, descriptions of death, i tried to deal with it as respectfully as possible, just a heads up, kind of, louis also lost his sister and mum in this fic, zarry relationship is in the past</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:13:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25838425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/likelarry/pseuds/likelarry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After being married to Zayn for ten years, Harry loses him in a tragic car accident. His funeral brings people Harry hasn't seen in years, one of them being his ex-best friend, Louis. The last time Harry had seen Louis, Louis had destroyed their wedding. </p><p>Or the one where Harry and Louis had a falling out due to miscommunication and Louis being a pining fool. Despite everything that's happened between them, there may just be a chance for them to fix things this time. Maybe fall in love along the way too.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Harry Styles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! A quick note to say that this fic deals with grief and losing people close to you. So, naturally, those topics are discussed in depth. Just take caution before reading this fic please! If there's anything I didn't tag, please let me know :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'm sorry for your loss."</p><p> </p><p>Harry loses count of how many times he hears this throughout the day, some from people he knows, others from people who aren't familiar to him. Trisha deals with the most of it though. Harry doesn't know how. He was her son.</p><p> </p><p>Was. God, Harry is never going to get used to that.</p><p> </p><p>"It must be hard to deal with, since it's so sudden," the lady continues to speak. Harry blinks. He realizes that Trisha had left him at some point.</p><p> </p><p>"Um," he says, "yeah."</p><p> </p><p>"I can't believe he's gone," the lady continues, dabbing the underneath of her eyes with a cream handkerchief and red nails.</p><p> </p><p>Harry purses his lips, unsure of what else to say. What does she want him to say? Is she expecting him to say something? Should he?</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, love," Trisha calls out.</p><p> </p><p>"Excuse me," he gives the woman a polite smile before getting up and walking towards his mother-in-law. Ex-mother-in-law? No, she would always be like another mum to Harry.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, Trish. Are you okay? Do you need anything?" He asks her, searching her face.</p><p> </p><p>She looks tired; purple bags underneath her eyes and cheeks puffy and red from crying. Harry is sure he looks the same. "Your mum wants to speak to you— we have a guest here who's... let's just say unwanted."</p><p> </p><p>"Unwanted?" Harry frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"Come on," is all she says, before heading down the hallway and to the private living area. God, there's so many memories in every corner of this house. How is he ever going to stay here again after this? He's barely made it for the past few days, and that was only because his mum and Trisha were here too.</p><p> </p><p>His mum is seated on the lavender armchair in the corner of the room, legs crossed and nails in her mouth. The armchair that Zayn hated but Harry adored and insisted they put it here. It was funny because that chair ended up being Zayn's favourite spot to read. Harry didn't have the heart to say, 'I told you so' after that.And now... now what?</p><p> </p><p>"Anne," Trisha says. Anne looks up, her face filling with sympathy. She gets up and walks towards Harry.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, love," she hugs him for what feels like the tenth time today, "sit down, both of you."</p><p> </p><p>Harry and Trisha give each other a look before obliging, sitting on the loveseat adjacent to the armchair.</p><p> </p><p>"So there's an unwanted guest?" Harry asks with a tired sigh. Perhaps it's a crasher; the ones who crash any event just to get some grub.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, it's, um," she clears her throat.</p><p> </p><p>"Um?" He prompts, already wanting to get this over with.</p><p> </p><p>"Remember Louis? Louis Tomlinson."</p><p> </p><p>Harry's heart races and blood boils simultaneously. Of course he remembers Louis fucking Tomlinson.</p><p> </p><p>"Why the hell is he here?" Harry shoots up from his seat. "He has no right to be here."</p><p> </p><p>"I know but we don't want to make a scene now, do we?" She says, looking at Harry in particular .</p><p> </p><p>Harry turns to Trisha. "You're with me on this, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"Louis Tomlinson, the one—"</p><p> </p><p>"The very same one," Harry confirms with a scoff. He looks out the glass pane of the door, eyes scanning the crowd in their house for Louis. "What the fuck is he even doing here?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know but we can ask him to leave," Anne says.</p><p> </p><p>"He will leave," Trisha says fiercely.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah and are we really the ones who need to be lectured about making a scene?" Harry turns to his mum. "Have you forgotten what happened? Everything that happened?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sweetheart, I didn't forget," she says calmly, "I'm only saying that there's a way to deal with things. Especially now."</p><p> </p><p>Harry huffs, looking out again.</p><p> </p><p>"Just tell him to leave," Harry says, "tell him that I don't want him here."</p><p> </p><p>"You want me to get rid of him?" His mum asks, raising an eyebrow at him.</p><p> </p><p>"Mum, if I do it I'll lose my shit," he says, "and I don't want Trish to have to deal with him— not now, not ever."</p><p> </p><p>"I would appreciate it, Anne. I'll go with you if I have to, I just," she shakes her head, her bottom lip wobbling, "I can't deal with anything else right now— I just can't."</p><p> </p><p>"Come here," Harry engulfs her into a hug, rubbing her back to comfort her. He feels himself getting close to tears too.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," his mum sighs, her eyes wet, "okay, I'll go get rid of him, okay? You two stay here. And you both need something to eat."</p><p> </p><p>Trisha cries into his shoulder, her eyes downcast, so Harry nods. His mum places a kiss on his head then a pat to Tricia's back before excusing herself out of the room. Harry takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down, just like Zayn always reminded him to, whenever he was close to having a panic attack.</p><p> </p><p>Deep breaths, babes, in and out.</p><p> </p><p>Harry exhales one last time just as Trisha pulls away. She wipes her eyes again with a worn out tissue she's been carrying around. "Let me get you something to eat, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"For yourself too," she tells him just a he gets up. He gives her a nod but he doesn't really have an appetite right now. Maybe another cup of coffee can help though.</p><p> </p><p>He avoids the main lounge, where majority of the people are, and weaves his way to the kitchen. Most of the food is out in the dining room anyways, so the kitchen is empty. He moves quickly, grabbing a little of everything onto a plate. As he turns around to head out again, he comes face-to-face with none other than Louis Tomlinson himself.</p><p> </p><p>Harry almost drops the plate but then his grip tightens on plastic instead.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi," Louis says. He looks so different yet all the same. His hair is longer, he has a beard now, no longer just scruff and he looks older, just from his eyes, like he's tired at the world. That's rich.</p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing here?" He asks, as calm as he can be.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, I'm so sorry," he starts, walking closer.</p><p> </p><p>"You're a little late with your apologies," Harry scoffs,"I don't want you here, please leave."</p><p> </p><p>Louis bites his lip. "I know, I know you don't and you have every right. But I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for your loss, I really am."</p><p> </p><p>Harry laughs humourlessly. "Louis, please just fucking leave," he says, already having enough of this conversation.</p><p> </p><p>Louis sighs. "Harry, I know I fucked up—"</p><p> </p><p>"Fucked up doesn't even begin to explain the shit you did," Harry hisses, then shakes his head, "fuck, I don't have time for this."</p><p> </p><p>"Harry—"</p><p> </p><p>"Louis, I thought I told you to leave," his mum says, eyes blazing.</p><p> </p><p>Louis visibly swallows. "Yes, I'm sorry. I just wanted to offer my condolences to Harry and the family, I swear that's all I wanted to do."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, you've done it so leave," Harry says coldly, "leave me and my family alone."</p><p> </p><p>His mum squeezes his arm, probably as an attempt to calm him down.</p><p> </p><p>A flash of hurt passed through his eyes. Louis nods shortly, pursing his lips. "Okay," he says quietly, "I don't want to cause any trouble, Harry, just know that I am truly sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head, letting out a scoff, avoiding looking at Louis because god he's so fucking mad. How dare he come here today? As if he has any right to after everything he did. Harry hopes he wasn't at the actual funeral too. The only indication that Louis actually does leave is the sound of his shoes clicking on the wooden floors, growing softer and softer.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, love, are you okay?" His mum asks, grabbing the plate out of his hand and placing it down onto the island counter.</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head, resting his forehead on her shoulder, his breaths becoming uneven. "I hate him, mum. Why did he have to come?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, sweetie," she rubs his back,"you and I both know you aren't capable of hating someone."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, well, he comes pretty close," he mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>"I really think he was just here to offer his condolences, like he said, for what it's worth."</p><p> </p><p>"It's worth nothing," Harry frowns, pulling away, sighing, "too little too late. What, does he think that just because Zayn isn't here anymore, things will be okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know, love. But, he's gone, okay? Now, let's get you and Trish something to eat, yes? Forget about all of that."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, his anger slowly dissipating as he follows her back to the private lounge. Unfortunately, there are two other people with Trisha this time. He recognizes the one lady with auburn hair and blue eyes to be one of Zayn's aunts that greeted him earlier. Reluctantly, he joins them with a pursed smile on his face and hands Trisha her plate of food.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, thank you, dear," she says, "you had some too?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'll have some later."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, Trisha, at least you have a wonderful son-in-law looking after you still," says the unknown woman.</p><p> </p><p>Trisha smiles lovingly at him. "He is wonderful."</p><p> </p><p>Harry flushes. He doesn't think that was an appropriate thing to say but whatever.</p><p> </p><p>"I can't believe he's gone," the aunt that Harry recognized says, aunt Sonia, if he remembers correctly.</p><p> </p><p>"Me neither," Trisha says somberly.</p><p> </p><p>Harry can't be here anymore. He just— he doesn't want to sit here and wish that his husband could still be here because he's not and can never be, ever again. Wishing that he could be is not going to do anything except make him feel worse than he already does. Between the whole fucking day, hell , week, and then Louis pitching up here, he's already had enough.</p><p> </p><p>"Excuse me," Harry stands up, "I'll be back." He excuses himself with a polite smile and walks out to find solitude, maybe in their old bedroom. It may be depressing but at least he'll be alone. As luck would have it, he doesn't even reach the staircase before he's stopped by someone grabbing his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>He turns around and sees Liam. Liam Payne who he hasn't seen for years now. And Niall standing behind Liam, looking back and forth between the two.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, hello," Liam says, " I, just, I wanted to say sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Right.</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you here?" He asks, not unkindly, just curiously. He and Louis fucked off during uni, dropping out and traveling the world, according to them at least. Harry has no idea what the fuck they did because he lost contact with Louis for a while during those years.</p><p> </p><p>Liam looks ashamed. "I had to come. I know we were never really that close but Zayn was a good friend of mine," he says, "and I'm so fucking sorry this happened."</p><p> </p><p>Harry hums. He doesn't have a problem with Liam, per se, he just fucked off with Louis too and he saw that it affected Zayn too. But they reconciled at their wedding and they were okay. Not the best, but okay. He messaged for birthdays and holidays after a visit or two but they were never that close again. So, Harry is just surprised to see him here. Last he'd heard, Liam and Louis were staying together, as what, Harry isn't sure, but he doesn't care anyways.</p><p> </p><p>"Um, your friend said it was okay to come and speak to you," Liam explains, "I won't take much of your time; I can see you're tired, I just wanted to offer my condolences."</p><p> </p><p>Apparently everyone from his past wanted to do that today. He's been hearing those words from way too many people today, even though he knows it's only logical. It's something he himself has said and countless funerals. He never realized how exhausting it was, being on the other side.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," Harry says instead, "and, um, thank you for coming."</p><p> </p><p>Even though he wasn't invited. Harry frowns. "How did you know about this?" He asks.</p><p> </p><p>Liam winces, like he doesn't want to answer."Louis told me..."</p><p> </p><p>Harry rolls his eyes. "Right, well thanks for coming anyways." He doesn't even want to know how Louis found out.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, of course. I, um, I'll go find Zayn's sisters and mum. Do you know where they are?" He asks, voice small.</p><p> </p><p>"Trisha is in the private lounge and his sisters should be in the main living room."</p><p> </p><p>Liam nods. "Okay, um, can I give you a hug?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry hesitates. It's such an odd thing to ask but he supposes it makes sense. He nods shortly and then he's being engulfed into Liam's arms, wrapping around him tightly. Harry embraces it. It feels nice. Liam has always given nice hugs, that much hasn't changed, even if it has been a few years.</p><p> </p><p>When Liam pulls away, he stays close, his cologne invading Harry's nostrils. It's fairly strong, not his favorite. "Read it, even if you don't forgive him," Liam whispers then slips out a piece of paper from his pocket and onto Harry's hand. He pats Harry's shoulder. "I hope I can see you again soon."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods robotically, eyebrows furrowed. Then Liam turns away and asks Niall where the private lounge is. Niall points him in the general direction before walking up to Harry. </p><p> </p><p>"I remember him," Niall says, "he came for dinner once with you, Zayn and I."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods again. "Yeah, a few years ago. That was the last time we'd seen him."</p><p> </p><p>"Wow," Niall says, "he gave you a note?"</p><p> </p><p>"Apparently," Harry mutters, scrunching up the already scrunched up paper into a fist.</p><p> </p><p>"H, are you feeling okay? Do you want me to come up and spend some time with you? Did you eat anything?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine. Just wanna be alone for a bit. Can you... can you help keep people away from me?" He asks with a short laugh.</p><p> </p><p>Niall smiles. "I can do that. Go get some rest."</p><p> </p><p>Harry smiles back gratefully and turns around to head upstairs. He prays that he doesn't run into anyone else on his way up. He highly doubts anyone will be up here anyways, unless they needed to use the bathroom because the the spare downstairs was occupied. Luckily, he makes it to their bedroom— his bedroom. He shuts the door and collapses onto his side of the bed.</p><p> </p><p>His fingers run over the empty spot beside him and soon, he's crying onto his pillow, soft and soundless, just like he has been for the past few days. Sometimes, like when he's in the shower, he'll break down completely and sob until his nose gets clogged and his eyes burn. But it's mostly this now, just softly and without much of a sound.</p><p> </p><p>He misses Zayn so damn much. They've been together for over a decade for fucks sake and now, Harry has to figure out how to live his life without the love of his life by his side. He doesn't know how he's going to do this. He wasn't ready— he isn't ready.</p><p> </p><p>With a sigh, Harry places the scrunched up paper on the nightstand and shuts his eyes. He has a feeling he knows what the letter will be about, after what Liam said, but he doesn't want to find out, not right now. He's just tired.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Harry only wakes up because he feels a hand on his shoulder, shaking his body gently. He inhales sharply, blinking.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, love. Everyone has left. I brought you something to eat," his mum says, "I'll go have a shower and clean up, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'll help you," Harry grumbles, "um, did Trisha leave?"</p><p> </p><p>"She left with her daughters, yes. Don't worry, love, she understands. She needed some rest too."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs."I'll phone her tomorrow morning."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay. We'll see her in the afternoon too."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, sitting up. "Um, mum, please let Blue in."</p><p> </p><p>Blue, his poor husky, must be miserable outside for so long. Zayn and Harry were very adamant on letting their little Blue stay inside with them. He doesn't understand how people leave their dogs to stay outside, they could never. Besides, since Zayn, Blue has also been feeling a little down. Understandably so.</p><p> </p><p>"Sure. He's just going to follow you around though," she warns.</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine. He needs me as much as I need him right now," Harry smiles sadly.</p><p> </p><p>"I know," she kisses his cheek, "come on now, eat up and we can have some tea downstairs after cleaning up, yes?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. She leaves with one last smile. Harry sighs, grabbing the plate left on his nightstand, roasted veggies and a sandwich looking up at him sadly. He doesn't feel like eating still but he knows he has to. The last time he ate something was last night, that too was just because his mum forced him to. Planning his husband's funeral just makes him lose his appetite, what can he say?</p><p> </p><p>As Harry eats his food half-heartedly, he catches sight of the letter Liam gave him earlier. Momentarily, he wonders if he should just tear it up and throw it away but curiosity got the best of him. He opened up the crumpled paper. The note is short, but Harry recognizes the handwriting immediately, confirming his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Harry,</p><p>I understand that you don't really want to talk to me anymore, not after everything, but I just wanted to truly say that I am sorry about everything. Zayn didn't deserve this, neither did you.</p><p>Regardless of everything, I'm always here if you need to talk to someone. My number is the same, in case you don't have it anymore, I attached it at the back of this paper.</p><p>Take care of yourself, please.</p><p>Louis</p><p> </p><p>Harry frowns. As if he would call Louis to what? Talk? After a decade of not seeing him. After all the shit he'd done. This is meant to be some lame attempt to reconcile a dead friendship and it's pathetic. It's never going to happen. Their friendship is long gone. He hasn't been part of Harry's life for a very long time and he's been doing just fine without him. Harry has no plans of changing that. Ever. So as far as Harry is concerned, Louis can go fuck himself. He told Harry those very same words on his bloody wedding day.</p><p> </p><p>Angry, Harry throws the paper to the corner of the room, not bothering to check where it lands. He'll clean it up later. Or tomorrow, rather. Harry gets off the bed and takes his half empty plate down to the kitchen. His mum is already clearing up the dishes when he gets there.</p><p> </p><p>"Love, you didn't eat much," she frowns at his plate.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not hungry," Harry mumbles, placing his plate in the sink.</p><p> </p><p>She sighs. "Today was a lot, huh?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry let's out a hollow laugh. "This whole week has been a lot."</p><p> </p><p>"I know, come here," she opens up her arms. He falls into her easily, breathing in her scent. It's the only thing calming him down recently. That and Trisha. Though Trisha has been in just as much of an emotional mess as he is, understandably so. She just lost her son.</p><p> </p><p>"Does it ever go away?" Harry asks, sniffing.</p><p> </p><p>"Not really, but it becomes tolerable. You learn to live with it and not be sad all the time," she says, rubbing his back. Harry felt this way years ago when his step dad had passed but not this extent. His mum was in the position he is in currently. Hell, she still is. It's been over five years but he knows she still misses him. Harry doesn't think he'll ever stop missing Zayn.</p><p> </p><p>"I can't see how that can happen right now," he mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>"I know, but you'll get there. You're brave and you're strong. I know you will. I know it seems like the end of the world but trust me, darling, it isn't. You'll get better."</p><p> </p><p>Harry doesn't know if he believes her but he doesn't say anything. He pulls away from her, wiping his cheeks. "We should tidy up."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, you pack away the extras I'll do the dishes, sound okay?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. He pulls out containers from the cupboards over the counter and starts putting away all the extra food. They do it in silence for a while until his mum speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>"I saw Liam came in today too."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Harry answers, "he spoke to me for a bit," then he chuckles, "gave me stupid letter too."</p><p> </p><p>"Why was it stupid?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's from Louis. Liam said I should read it and I honestly wasn't going to. I probably shouldn't have, looking back, but yeah. Hardly even a letter, just a little note."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. What did it say?" She asks curiously.</p><p> </p><p>"Some shit about how he's sorry about everything and that he's still here if I want to talk to someone," he scoffs, "can you believe it?"</p><p> </p><p>Anne let's out a breath. "You know, you did used to tell him everything."</p><p> </p><p>Harry pauses, looking up at her. "Yeah that was before he decided to become a dick and ruin everything we had."</p><p> </p><p>"I know, I know. I was at your wedding, I remember," she raises her hands briefly, "I'm just saying that's it's weird to think back on it now— he was your best friend."</p><p> </p><p>That hurt a part of Harry he thought was gone by now. The part that reminds him that he was sad. Louis was his best friend, had been since he was ten. He spent months wondering what he'd done wrong. Then his wedding came and he was surprised that Louis even came but within minutes it was destroyed, his happy day was ruined all because Louis Tomlinson had suddenly become this rude, awful person who couldn't keep his mouth shut. Looking back, he just gets angry now. All that overpowers any sadness he'd felt.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, well, things change," he says quietly, "and I don't plan on seeing Louis again any time soon— if ever."</p><p> </p><p>"I understand, love," she tells him with a smile, "but don't hold that nasty feeling inside of your heart. You are not that type of person."</p><p> </p><p>He nods, almost obediently. It's not like he purposefully feels that way, he can't help it. Still, she's right. He doesn't need this anymore. Especially not now. Louis is gone and Harry will never have to see him again. For the second time, he's more than okay with that.</p><p> </p><p>____</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Going back to work is a drag. Everything lately feels like a bit of a drag, if he's being honest. Niall is there, at least, so he makes it somewhat okay. All of his colleagues give him looks— the kind you give to puppies you spot on the street. He should probably get used to it though, this will be something he'll get for the rest of his life.</p><p> </p><p>His job does provide a distraction though, thankfully. He has been in desperate need of one during the past few weeks.Being at home with his mum and visiting Zayn's family, as much he loves it, he also needs a break from it all. As horrible as it may sound, being around Zayn's family only reminds him of what he lost. Granted, they lost Zayn too. It's just a phase he's going through, though. He knows he won't be able to go too long without seeing them. They're his family too at the end of the day.</p><p> </p><p>He just— he needs some time to breathe. By himself.</p><p> </p><p>Exhaling the smoke feels a bit like being able to breathe properly, ironically. He hasn't smoked for a few months now but now is as good as time as any to start again. Plus, the smell reminds him of Zayn. He personally doesn't even like menthol cigarettes but Zayn did. It comforts him. Besides, the sheets are losing Zayn's smell as the days go by and Harry can't handle that.</p><p> </p><p>On top of everything else, Harry is also wearing Zayn's clothes. Which he should probably also stop doing because they're going to lose his smell too. Not to mention the fact that most of his clothes are a little bit small for Harry. Not noticeably, at least not all. Harry sucks in another dose of nicotine and exhales slowly. He leans back against the brick wall and shuts his eyes, counting to ten, just to help him calm down.</p><p> </p><p>He just doesn't know how to deal with all of this. One minute, Zayn is in his life, they're talking about what they were going to have for supper and the next, he's gone. Just like that. How the hell is any of that fair? And why did it have to happen to Zayn of all people. Fuck. He didn't deserve it. They didn't deserve it. They were happy. They fought, like any couple does, but they made each other happy at the end of the day. Harry can't remember how his life worked without Zayn in it.</p><p> </p><p>He let's out a sob at that, his back sliding against the wall until his bum hits the concrete floor. He stubs the cigarette on the ground and drops his head into his hands, knees to his chest. Niall finds him like that, he's not sure how much later, and gathers Harry to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>"God, Harry come here," he coos.Harry cries into his chest, he's again, not sure for how long but Niall holds him through it anyway.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna take you home, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, still sniffling. He still has three hours left for his shift and so does Niall but he doesn't have it in him to say anything right now. It's a bit of a blur as they drive back to their place— Harry's place? No, it'll always be their place. He's leaning against the window, crying softly and wiping his nose with the tissue Niall gave him.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll stay with you for a bit, okay?" Niall says, just as they park into the driveway.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to," Harry says quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay," he smiles, "I want to."</p><p> </p><p>"But work—"</p><p> </p><p>"Can wait," he cuts Harry off, "come on, I'll make you some tea."</p><p> </p><p>Harry doesn't protest, following Niall up to his room. He let's Niall tuck him in and bring him a hot cup of tea. It's not the way Zayn makes it, like Harry likes it, but it does the trick. It calms his nerves a bit. They don't talk much but Harry doesn't mind that. He's so tired, is the thing, he doesn't even know what to say.</p><p> </p><p>"What is that?" Niall asks after a while. They're on the bed, Niall next to him underneath the blanket and his eyes on the lonely crumpled up piece of paper at the corner of the room.</p><p> </p><p>Harry wrinkles his nose. "Liam gave me a note from Louis."</p><p> </p><p>"Liam, right I remember him. And Louis is the guy that..."</p><p> </p><p>"Was my best friend a long time ago and just fucked it up. And he ruined our wedding."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, fuck yeah. How could I forget that?" He grimaces. "So you got a note from Liam, that was from Louis?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, just a bunch of shit that I honestly don't need right now."</p><p> </p><p>"I understand," Niall says, "listen, I think that maybe you should take some more time off."</p><p> </p><p>"From work?"</p><p> </p><p>Niall nods.</p><p> </p><p>"No, I can't, Ni. I already took two weeks."</p><p> </p><p>"That's barely enough," Niall insists, "just take some time for yourself."</p><p> </p><p>"To do what?" He laughs, tired and frustrated, "my mum can't stay with me forever, I can't be sad forever, my life has to move on."</p><p> </p><p>"I know but you're still figuring all of that out," Niall says, "don't rush into anything."</p><p> </p><p>"Is our boss going to understand that?" Harry scoffs.</p><p> </p><p>"If you ask, maybe. Michael is not that bad."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe," he mumbles. He needs a distraction though, so he's not sure he's going to ask for more time off.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Harry,"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>"You'll be okay, mate."</p><p> </p><p>Harry gives him a weak smile in response. It really doesn't fucking feel like it.</p><p> </p><p>____</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>On Saturday morning, he wakes up to someone knocking on his front door. He sighs, getting out of bed. He catches sight of the clock on his way to the door, seeing that it's only eight in the morning. For gods sake, who comes to visit someone at eight in the morning on a Saturday?Maybe it's for his mum but she's not here right now.</p><p> </p><p>He rubs his eyes, tightening the gown around himself before opening the door. He blinks at the sight in front of him. "Liam?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, Harry," he smiles nervously.</p><p> </p><p>"Liam, what are you doing here?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um, I went to the bakery nearby and I just wanted to stop by and check on you," Liam says, "in hindsight, I should have at least texted you first but I was scared that you wouldn't want to see me— and that's, like, okay, if you want me to leave and stuff, I just really wanted to see if you're okay."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs. This is typical Liam, from what Harry knows. As much as he doesn't like uninvited guests, he knows Liam is coming from a good place. "Come in, Li."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," he mutters, walking inside.</p><p> </p><p>"For the record, I would have said okay if you wanted to come and visit. I don't, like, hate you or anything."</p><p> </p><p>"I know but I don't ... know where I stand. We've never had issues directly or anything but I always got the feeling that you never really liked me."</p><p> </p><p>Before Harry can reply, Liam speaks again. "It's okay if you don't. I'm sure you have your reasons and stuff. I, um, I do care about you though, and Zayn," he smile falls a bit, "not as much as I should have. But I want that to change, I do."</p><p> </p><p>"I never disliked you, Liam," Harry says honestly. He's been... indifferent about Liam. Zayn was always closer to Liam than he was. He didn't like that he and Louis just left like that, in the middle of uni, sure, but he didn't hate Liam or anything like that.</p><p> </p><p>Just as Liam opens his mouth to reply, Blue comes barging in, barking excitedly at a new guest. Liam yelps in surprise.</p><p> </p><p>"Blue, hey, boy. Calm down," Harry leans down to pet him until he stops. "Sorry he actually hasn't gotten this excited about someone new in a while."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't know you had a dog," Liam laughs nervously, "he's quite big."</p><p> </p><p>Harry smiles smugly. "He's a big softie, don't worry."</p><p> </p><p>Liam gives him a smile too, seemingly still apprehensive.</p><p> </p><p>"Um, do you want something to drink?"</p><p> </p><p>"Tea would be good. I brought you some eclairs."</p><p> </p><p>Harry grins. "Thank you. We can go to the kitchen if you'd like?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sure," Liam says, following behind Harry (and Blue) to the kitchen. Harry tells Blue to sit near the back door and he obeys, like the good dog he is while Harry switches the kettle on.</p><p> </p><p>"So, you're... here," Harry says, glancing up at Liam.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I'm— I'm here. Is it really okay, though? That I'm here, I mean."</p><p> </p><p>Harry opens his mouth but hesitates to reply.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh god, I'm sorry. I know this is really weird but I really wanted to see how you're doing and if you needed anything— and I brought eclairs. They're still your favorite, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry smiles. "They are. Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"You're welcome," Liam breathes, sitting down on one of the stools, "do you need any help?"</p><p> </p><p>"I got it."</p><p> </p><p>Harry pours two cups of tea, one with sugar and his without. Harry sits down opposite Liam, preferring to keep a little bit of distance between them. He's not entirely happy that he has an unexpected guest. But it's not Liam per se, he just doesn't like people dropping by without prior notice in general.</p><p> </p><p>"So, um, how are you doing?" Liam asks, handing him a wrapped up pastry.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm... dealing with it," he mumbles, accepting the eclair from Liam.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, it's a stupid question. But I had to ask."</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sips his tea. "Look, Liam, if you're here because of that note you slipped me..." Harry starts to let out a laugh of disbelief.</p><p> </p><p>"No, no, god no. That was a bad move on my part," Liam grimaces, "sorry about that."</p><p> </p><p>Harry hums, eyebrows furrowed. "I'm not going to speak to him again."</p><p> </p><p>"I know, I kind of figured."</p><p> </p><p>"Then why did you give it to me?" Harry frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"Because he asked me to," Liam smiles wryly, "and he's my best friend, I thought I'd give a try anyways."</p><p> </p><p>Harry ignores the dull ache in his chest at that.</p><p> </p><p>"Anyways, I didn't come here to talk about that," Liam clears his throat, "I— what can I do for you, Harry?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do for me?" Harry repeats, frown deepening.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, to, like, make any of this easier. Or as much as it can be, I guess. Name it, and I'll do it."</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head. "Liam, why are you doing all of this? Now? You haven't spoken to Zayn or me in years. You don't need to do this if you're feeling guilty."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not—" he sighs, "maybe, part of me is feeling guilty, for not being there enough. But I'm genuinely just worried about you. I know how much you loved Zayn and I know it's not easy to lose someone you love. That's why I'm here, above anything else, because I've been where you've been."</p><p> </p><p>Harry searches his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek. "I miss him," he admits quietly, "so much, it's hard to breathe sometimes, fuck."</p><p> </p><p>Liam gives him a sympathetic look. "I'm so sorry, Harry."</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine, I just," he sniffs, "I want it to get better already and it feels like it's just getting worse."</p><p> </p><p>"That's okay. It's normal to feel that way and you don't need to, like, force yourself to feel otherwise. Feel what you need to feel in order to heal."</p><p> </p><p>Harry blinks up at him. "That was... wise."</p><p> </p><p>Liam smiles sheepishly. "I... heard that when my nan died from someone close to me."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, Liam," Harry says sincerely, "when did she pass?"</p><p> </p><p>"About two years ago," he says, "but it's okay, don't worry about it."</p><p> </p><p>"I am sorry though and that friend, or whoever else it was, sounds wise."</p><p> </p><p>Liam looks up at him, nodding slowly. "He's been through something similar."</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry to him too," Harry says, "thank you for that and the eclair, it's... really nice. I'm surprised you remember that." Harry isn't even sure if he mentioned it around Liam before but he must have if Liam remembered.</p><p> </p><p>"You're welcome, um, just came to me, I guess," Liam looks down, "Harry, I'm sorry for not being there as much as I should have before."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs. "You had no obligation to, Liam," he says softly.</p><p> </p><p>"I did though. Zayn was one of my good friends and I just—," he shakes his head, " anyways, I want to be there for you, Harry. In any way you want me to, I'm here."</p><p> </p><p>Harry swallows. Liams gaze is fierce. "Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"However you want, okay? I know I can't make up for everything I haven't done but I am here now."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, Liam."</p><p> </p><p>Truthfully, Harry isn't going to instantly jump on board with this whole thing but he appreciates the effort. Liam doesn't end up staying for too long, leaving to go run some errands and Harry's mum comes back shortly after that. He's just finished having a shower when she comes in. She's surprised when he tells her that Liam stopped by and sat for a bit.</p><p> </p><p>"That's nice of him to do," she says.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I guess. I just... it's a lot out of pity and I don't want that. He's feeling guilty and I'm not here to ease any of it."</p><p> </p><p>"That may be true but it doesn't mean it's not genuine, sweetie," she squeezes his arm, "everyone deserves second chances, don't you think?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry scoffs. "Not everyone. And he hasn't even done anything except visit me once after... Zayn... so I hardly think he's asking for a second chance."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, whatever it may be, it's good that he's making an effort. You liked him, didn't you?"</p><p> </p><p>"I did, I always had the feeling that he never liked me though. But I guess I was just paranoid."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm, well, see where it goes, love. No one is asking you to do anything. It's just always nice to have another friend there for you, isn't it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," he agrees, "it does."</p><p> </p><p>Harry is wary still but for now, he just wants to have some lunch with his mum.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Harry knows that eventually his mum had to leave but when she does, he realizes how scared he actually is to do this alone. It's not like she lives that far away, but now, he feels completely alone. Plus, Trisha and all three of Zayn's sisters live a little further out. He's all by himself in this bloody house that's supposed to be for him and Zayn.</p><p> </p><p>To occupy his mind from wandering too far while he's alone, Harry opts to go out for a few pints with Niall. Niall has been his rock these pastfew weeks, aside from his mum and Trisha. Well, Trisha has been on and off and again, Harry can understand that. He can't remember when last he'd seen her without her face contorting into a beginning of a breakdown. He hates that it's because of him. He probably reminds her that she doesn't have her son anymore and seeing her is like being close to something that's so far away.</p><p> </p><p>That's why he needs some time off. He needs to go out. He hasn't had a drink in a while. Harry treaded lightly with that sort of thing, especially considering how easily he'd gotten addicted to smoking now. He laughs to himself. For all the times he'd given Zayn shit for smoking too much and making their sheets stink. Now, their sheets officially have rid themselves of Zayn's scent. At the beginning, smoking menthols gave Harry some comfort because the smell reminded him of Zayn but now, there's just something missing. Yet, for some reason, he still does it. It's become a habit now and he knows he needs to stop soon but he's not ready for it. Not now.</p><p> </p><p>"Why were you laughing to yourself? You looked creepy as hell." Niall says, handing him his beer and sitting down opposite him.</p><p> </p><p>"Just thinking," Harry shrugs it off, taking a small sip of his beer.</p><p> </p><p>"Zayn?" Niall asks in a whisper, as if he's scared to say it louder.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Harry smiles, "been smoking a lot and I just remembered how much I gave Zayn shit for it."</p><p> </p><p>Niall grins too. "He loved it though. Always saw him smiling whenever you yelled at him. And it never made sense because you also smoked now and again."</p><p> </p><p>Harry already feels himself getting choked up. "He really got my last nerve sometimes because he overdid it, but god I loved him," he shut his eyes, letting a tear fall before quickly wiping it away.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh shit, Harry..."</p><p> </p><p>"No, no," he sniffs, blinking away any more tears, "let's talk about you now, how's the guy you've been seeing?"</p><p> </p><p>"You remember that," Niall's cheeks go red.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course I do, now spill."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't say much when he told Harry but Harry could see that Niall really likes him.</p><p> </p><p>"He's great. Date number three tomorrow, actually."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," he wiggles his brows, "you guys going all the way then?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um," he goes even redder, "we kind of already did."</p><p> </p><p>"Niall," he gasps, "look at you."</p><p> </p><p>"Shut up, you slept with Zayn before you guys even went on a date," Niall rolls his eyes but then his smile falls.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't, Ni, it's okay. You're right. But in our defense, we were both very drunk and we were both very cute."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, and you told me how you had the biggest crush on him beforehand, I know, I know. And turned out, he did too. God, if you two don't have the sappiest, cutest, most disgusting love story ever."</p><p> </p><p>"I mean, the ending kind of sucked but," Harry shrugged, taking another sip.</p><p> </p><p>"That doesn't mean it's ended, H," Niall says with a gentle smile.</p><p> </p><p>Harry smiles. "So, this guy," he clears his throat, "is he hot? Tall? Dark hair? Come on, give me deets."</p><p> </p><p>Niall tells him that his name is Shawn and that he's very tall, even taller than Harry, and he has curly hair too, and he can play the guitar, like Harry.</p><p> </p><p>"Niall... have you had a crush on me this whole time?" Harry asks, eyes narrowed suspiciously.</p><p> </p><p>"No, God," Niall chuckles, "he's different though, not as annoying for one."</p><p> </p><p>Harry laughs at the unexpected dig. It feels good. Everyone has been walking on eggshells around him for over a month now. It's nice to have his friends tease him again. "Well, I'll believe it when I see it."</p><p> </p><p>"You guys will meet soon," Niall promises, " do you want to get us another round?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, sure," Harry grabs both of their empty pints and walks to the bar, ordering two more for them. When he gets back to their table, they talk a little bit more, mostly about work, until Harry happens to look over Niall's shoulder and meets haunting blue eyes. Harry sucks in a breath, mid-sentence. Louis.</p><p> </p><p>Louis straightens up from where he's standing against the bar counter and takes a step forward. Harry panics and that doesn't go unnoticed by Niall. "What is it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Louis," Harry manages to grit out. Niall turns to look where Harry's gaze has been stuck.</p><p> </p><p>"Shit. Do you wanna go?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, already getting up. Louis moves quickly then, speed-walking towards them. Harry does make it out the door without looking back though, Niall next to him. Just as he let's out a sigh of relief, he feels someone tug at his arm. Swallowing, Harry turns around.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry," Louis breathes out.</p><p> </p><p>Harry is about to turn back around but Louis stops him again.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, please just listen to me," Louis begs.</p><p> </p><p>Harry faces him, jaw clenched. "Leave me alone," he says.</p><p> </p><p>"Look, I just want to talk, please," Louis says again, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets.</p><p> </p><p>"No," Harry spits out, upset, "I don't want to hear what you have to say."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry," Louis says anyways, "I'm really sorry, about Zayn, about so many things— please just, can we talk?"</p><p> </p><p>"Louis, I don't want to talk to you," Harry says coldly, tone stern, "I want nothing to do with you; just stay out of my fucking life. You had no problem doing that before."</p><p> </p><p>Niall grabs his arm, squeezing it to calm him down.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, please," Louis says, eyes wide and vulnerable.</p><p> </p><p>"Mate, I don't think he wants to talk," Niall chimes in, "I think it'd be best if you leave."</p><p> </p><p>Louis' body sags in defeat. "Harry, I swear to you, I just need to talk. That's all I want to do."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I don't. So please just leave me alone," Harry bites back. Before Louis can speak again, he whips around and walks hastily to his car. He can hear Niall following behind him, his cologne strong and comforting.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, you alright?" Niall asks as soon as they get to his car.</p><p> </p><p>Harry blinks back tears. "I'll be fine," he croaks out, "he's just— he's infuriating, god."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," Niall rubs his back, "we can go to mines or yours and we can carry on with our pub night if you'd like to. Or if you want to be alone, that's okay too."</p><p> </p><p>"Let's go to yours," Harry decides, "I don't want him to ruin our night."</p><p> </p><p>That, and he doesn't want to be alone right now.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I'll get in my car and you can follow me, yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, jumping into his car and putting it in drive, going out of the parking lot and spotting Niall's blue Toyota, driving behind him back to Niall's place. Harry's mood is sour now, thanks to Louis, but he's determined to turn it around. He doesn't even know what Louis thought he could accomplish by trying to get Harry to hear him out after all the shit he'd done.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe Liam had given him the wrong impression. Harry has seen him three times so far and their conversations were becoming easier but Harry is still remaining cautious. They don't talk about Louis at all but maybe because Harry is willing to let Liam in his life again (somewhat), Louis thinks he can do the same. Not that he's seen Louis since the funeral day at their home.</p><p> </p><p>Whatever it may be, Harry has no interest in speaking to Louis again and he sincerely hopes that this was the last time he would run into Louis and/or Louis would speak to him.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Harry is proven wrong only a few days later, when he's at the grocery store. He's alone now, so he doesn't buy much at a time. But that means he has to make more trips to the store, somehow. He's at the biscuit and cereals aisle when he sees the box of Weetabix and starts to cry. He hasn't bought any for over a month now and that was Zayn's favourite. Harry isn't too fond of it, but Zayn was. And now, he'll never have to complain about Zayn leaving not soaking his bowl after having Weetabix, shout at him for putting too much of sugar into his bowl and he'll never get to hear Zayn reprimand him for leaving the milk bottle opened or butter him up when he wanted a grand breakfast, with promises of rewards later on.</p><p> </p><p>And god, he'll never get to kiss him again. Their morning kisses made Harry's day. And when he had a bad day at work, Zayn's kisses did wonders. He doesn't know how to comprehend any of this in the middle of a cereal aisle until he feels someone's hand on his shoulder. He sucks in a breath and turns, wiping his eyes quickly.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine," Harry starts, but stop before going further, noticing who it is.</p><p> </p><p>"You're clearly not," Louis says, mouth tilted sadly.</p><p> </p><p>Harry rolls his eyes, glad that Louis' hand is off his shoulder but unhappy that he's still in front of Harry. He makes a move to leave but is stopped by Louis again. Fucking hell , this is becoming redundant, in Harry's opinion.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, don't leave. Not when you're upset. I— we can talk about it, if you'd like?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry let's out a laugh of disbelief. He faces Louis again. "Louis, I really don't want to talk to you. Not now. Not ever again. Why can't you understand that?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't want to give up," Louis says quietly, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat, "I'm trying."</p><p> </p><p>"Stop trying. You're asking me the same thing and I'm giving you the same answer, please stop." Harry doesn't even have it in him to be angry anymore. He's just so tired, and this is only the third run-in, it's not like Louis has done this repeatedly numerous times but if he doesn't stop, it'll come to that.</p><p> </p><p>"I know, and I understand but if you just give me one chance, just to talk, that's all I'm asking, and you don't want to do anything with me anymore, I'll leave you alone for good."</p><p> </p><p>The offer sounds appealing but Harry doesn't need to compromise here. "Louis, I'm not making any compromises for you. I'm telling you now that you need to leave me alone, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"I know, but I can't," there's a sad sort of grimace and smile in his face, "I just— I owe you an explanation— more than one. You deserve that."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh and I didn't ten years ago? Five? Hell, even one year ago," Harry laughs bitterly.</p><p> </p><p>"You did, you always have," Louis says quickly, "and I'm trying to make it right."</p><p> </p><p>"Right, because Zayn died. Tell me, Louis, how would you feel if it were me instead of Zayn?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis' face goes pale. "Don't say that," he scolds, eyebrows pinched together.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm just saying, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for Zayn so don't even bother," Harry sniffs, turning again. Without thinking twice, he turns around to face Louis, walking backwards slowly, saying, "You know, Einstein said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity."</p><p> </p><p>Before even capturing Louis' facial expression, Harry is gone. He discards the groceries in the basket to one side and walks out of the store empty-handed. He's done dealing with Louis' shit. He's made excuses for him before but not anymore. He's older now, and he's learnt from his mistakes.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>___</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next morning, Harry wakes up to someone knocking on his front door. Momentarily, he thinks it might be Liam again, but when he opens it, there's no one there, aside from a packet. Harry eyes it suspiciously. He's heard about too many horror stories that start like this. But then he spots the Weetabix box and his heart starts to race.Tentatively, he picks up the packet from the floor and takes it to the kitchen, placing it on the island counter. He searches the rest of the items and then pulls out a note stuck to the Weetabix box.</p><p> </p><p>I figured you need these.</p><p>Louis</p><p> </p><p>Harry pushes the packet and the box away, scowling at them. He seriously has the fucking audacity to come to Harry's home and leave something outside the door like a— a fucking creep. How does he even remember this address? Harry is livid. He rushes for his phone from where it's charging in his bedroom and calls Liam.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry?" Liam asks, surprised.</p><p> </p><p>"Tell your friend to leave me the fuck alone, Liam. He can't just— he's been stalking me, I swear to god," Harry runs a hand through his hair, "he's been everywhere I am and now he actually comes to my house— he needs to fucking stop."</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, woah, calm down, mate. What happened?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry let's out a frustrated sigh. "Louis, I'm talking about Louis. He's been everywhere I go and he keeps trying to talk to me even though I say no all the time and today, he leaves fucking groceries outside my door. God, do you realize how fucking creepy that is?"</p><p> </p><p>"Shit," Liam curses, "I'm sorry, Harry. I don't think he meant to freak you out."</p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't matter," Harry says incredulously, "he needs to leave me the hell alone."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, hey, it's okay. I'll tell him, yeah? Just calm down. Do you want me to come over?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," Harry says, wiping his face, "I'll call my mum, it's okay."</p><p> </p><p>Again, he's not that close to Liam and he feels like he needs his mum right now anyways.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, just... text me or something, okay? I'll— I'll tell Louis but Harry, I really think you two should talk."</p><p> </p><p>"Liam," he warns, "no, that's not happening."</p><p> </p><p>"I—" he sighs, "okay, yeah, just tell me when your mum gets there."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Harry says, clipped, "bye, Liam."</p><p> </p><p>The first thing Harry does is call his mum once Liam hangs up. She comes about ten minutes later with a tray of food in her arms.</p><p> </p><p>"You okay, sweetie? You sounded stressed out." She kisses his cheek and places the food— lasagne, Harry observes— on the counter.</p><p> </p><p>"Not really," he says honestly, sitting down, head in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>"What's wrong?" She asks, sitting down next to him, hand over his back like she usually does.</p><p> </p><p>"Ran into Louis. Again. And then I wake up this morning to a packet of groceries outside my door, saying it's from him."</p><p> </p><p>She furrows her brows, looking confused. "He just wanted to drop groceries off? Just because?"</p><p> </p><p>"I mean—no. We ran into each other yesterday at the grocery store and he made me so mad, I just left all of the things in the basket and he basically bought whatever I left and put it outside my door this morning. But I swear mum, he's, like, stalking me or summat. How the hell did we just run into each other twice in the span of less than two weeks? He must be. And then this morning. He remembers where I live for gods sake."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, love, it's okay," she shushes him, "this may all be a coincidence, you know?"</p><p> </p><p>"Even if those run-ins were, he came to my house," Harry frowns, "it makes me uncomfortable."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe you should tell him that then."</p><p> </p><p>Harry rolls his eyes. "I told him to leave me alone practically every time I've seen him now and he's not listening. If he persists then I'm going to have to, I don't know, like, report him or something."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I think you need some tea. You need to calm down, love," she gets up.</p><p> </p><p>"Mum, I'm allowed to be creeped out by this," he says defensively, a lump in his throat. His reaction is valid, isn't it? This is unwanted attention from a person Harry wants nothing to do with, surely his reaction is warranted.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not saying you can't be," she says calmly, putting the kettle on, "I'm just saying that maybe you need to tell him to back off."</p><p> </p><p>"And I told you, I did already," Harry huffs.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I hear you, love. Maybe tell Liam to speak to him then. They're friends, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"They're still friends, yeah," Harry confirms.</p><p> </p><p>One of the reasons why Harry doesn't want to let Liam get too close. If Liam does then Louis will be part of Harry's life again, inevitably. And Harry does not want that. God, when did he turn so horrible?</p><p> </p><p>"And I told him to speak to Louis already. He said he will. Let me message him," Harry says, sending a quick text to say that his mum is here.</p><p> </p><p>"Are these the things Louis got you?" She asks, peaking into the half collapsed packet. "You know, you shouldn't waste food even if you were angry."</p><p> </p><p>Harry flushes. "It is and I know, I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>She hums, taking out the items. "You wanted Weetabix?" She frowns at him.</p><p> </p><p>"No," he scoffs, "he saw me looking at them, probably."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, you might as well just use it. If you don't want the Weetabix, I'll take it."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs, slightly amused but still annoyed. "I feel like you're not taking this as seriously as I am."</p><p> </p><p>"Sweetie, I know you two have issues, and I understand why. But, Harry, Louis has never been a dangerous person. Not like you're making it seem."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs again. She's right but still. "I just want him to leave me alone."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, maybe he will now, after Liam talks to him."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. He really hopes so.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Liam does tell him an hour or so later that he spoke to Louis and that Louis is sorry, he never meant to scare or hurt Harry.</p><p> </p><p>He'll back off. Harry sighs in relief. Fucking finally. That's all he's wanted since the start. Harry let's himself relax a little after that.</p><p> </p><p>__</p><p> </p><p>Things are more or less back to normal after that. As normal as his life can be without Zayn, that is. He falls into somewhat of a routine though, which is a good thing, according to his mum, at least. He gets up, showers, goes to work, comes back home, makes supper for one and is out by nine or so. Though he doesn't get much sleep. He wakes up at least three times and he's constantly tired still but he tries to smile again, greet everyone like he used to.</p><p> </p><p>He misses Zayn. Of course he does. Sometimes he'll have a cry in the shower, or while he's watching something that'll remind him of Zayn. Like the other day, he watched The Breakfast Club, his and Zayn's movie, without Zayn. He could only watch the first fifteen minutes before switching it off and crying into his knees.</p><p> </p><p>Nobody has to know about that though. He'll deal with it by himself. His mum does suggest one of the days that she's over, that he sees a therapist. Harry considers the idea. The more time that goes by, the more he feels like maybe he does need to see a therapist. He feels like half of his soul is missing for gods sake, how is he supposed to deal with it otherwise?</p><p> </p><p>Hopefully a therapist will give him some clarity, and some form of closure. So, a week later, Harry makes an appointment with a Dr. Stein. He did his research and apparently she's one of the best in the area.</p><p> </p><p>She's short, is the first thing Harry notices when he meets her. And she has a nice smile. It eases his nerves a bit. Her office is fairly big, minimal furniture and smells of lavender. Harry likes it.</p><p> </p><p>She's friendly, doesn’task much of him but he supposes that's normal for the first session. She claims that she just wants to get to know him a bit. Harry is okay with that. Then she asks about Zayn.</p><p> </p><p>"He was your husband, yes?" She asks him.</p><p> </p><p>Harry swallows. He nods. He's still not used to people talking about Zayn as if he isn't here anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"And he passed away by an accident?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry let's out a shaky breath. "Yes, he— he was walking on the road and he got—he got hit." He winces. Zayn's body was in bad shape when Harry saw him. He could barely recognize Zayn's face,tainted with blood and bruises.</p><p> </p><p>"When you found out, was it already too late?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," he laughs humourlessly, "that's the worst part--- he was still okay, he was breathing, even when I got to the hospital. He only passed away the next day. They tried their best to save him, apparently, but nothing worked."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, Harry. That must have been very difficult for you."</p><p> </p><p>That's an understatement. He had hope, is the thing. He prayed, to God, to Zayn--- anyone who listened. But nothing worked. He remembers the doctor coming out of Zayn's room, shaking his head sadly and telling Harry that Zayn didn't make it, how Harry collapsed onto the floor and Trisha started crying uncontrollably, falling into a fit of sobs along with Zayn's sisters and father.</p><p> </p><p>"You could say that," Harry mumbles, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>"You must miss him a lot," she smiles sadly.</p><p> </p><p>Also a huge understatement.</p><p> </p><p>"I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, from how much I miss him," he admits, "I--- I started smoking again, the cigarettes he used to use, because the smell reminds me of him. Well, itused to. Recently, it's not doing much anymore, I don't know why."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe it's just not the same," she says, "Harry, have you had any family or friends staywith you for a bit? Sometimes we need company from loved ones when these things happen."</p><p> </p><p>"My mum stayed with me for a bit," he informs her, "and she visits me at least twice a week, plus I speak to my mother-in-law once a week too."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you see her often too?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head. He squirms a bit. "I, uh, I've only seen her twice since the funeral over a month ago."</p><p> </p><p>"Why is that?" She frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know," Harry bites his lip, "she just--- she reminds me of what I lost and I know that sounds horrible I just-- I don't know, every time I look at her, I remember Zayn then I remember that he's not here anymore."</p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't make you a horrible person," she says, tone gently, "it's okay to feel that way and I'm glad you're telling me this. Talking about it is important."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "I think she feels the same about me, for the record," he says quietly, "and I hate it 'cause we've always been close. She's like a second mum to me."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe you two need to have a sit down and talk about it properly. Let yourself be honest with each other and work through it if you want to continue having a relationship with her and the rest of Zayn's family."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, of course I do. They're my family too. I have to take care of them."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, then I think talking about how you feel to your mother-in-law will help air out some feelings and bring you two closer together."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods again. She's right. She has a valid point. A few of them. He does want to have a relationship with Zayn's family still.</p><p> </p><p>"You mentioned someone else that had you stressed out for a bit, Louis, was it?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry's face turns sour. "Yeah."</p><p> </p><p>"Why is that?"</p><p> </p><p>God, where does he even start with Louis. There's so much of history between them.</p><p> </p><p>"He used to be my best friend a long time ago but we drifted apart and he screwed up big time in a lot of ways."</p><p> </p><p>"Like what?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry huffs. "He ruined our wedding," he grimaces, "he made a whole scene, destroyed the cake, punched Zayn--- fuck, it was horrible. Now every time I look at our wedding video, I have to see that too."</p><p> </p><p>"Wow, how long ago was your wedding?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ten years ago," Harry says, "before our wedding I hadn't spoken to him in, like, over a year, maybe."</p><p> </p><p>"But you still invited him for your wedding?" She asks.</p><p> </p><p>"He was my best friend," Harry laughs sadly, "I thought that we could fix things between us but, obviously he had other plans."</p><p> </p><p>She hums thoughtfully. "And did you ever ask why?"</p><p> </p><p>"Why what?" Harry frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"Why he did all those things? Why you guys drifted apart, why he felt the need to cause a scene at your wedding, for what reason he punched Zayn."</p><p> </p><p>"No," Harry's frown deepens, "he doesn't get to explain himself, I've given him so many chances before."</p><p> </p><p>"So, you did ask him before?"</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I--- no, not really straight out," Harry mumbles, "but still, he could have explained himself."</p><p> </p><p>"And he's trying to do that now, yes?" She raises a brow at him.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, but it's too late now. I don't care. Besides, he wouldn't have if it weren't for Zayn."</p><p> </p><p>"So, you don't want to hear him out? Get some closure, maybe?"</p><p> </p><p>"I made my peace with it years ago," Harry says, a little defensively, "if he can't move on, and he has a guilty conscience, that is not my concern."</p><p> </p><p>She narrows her eyes a bit before nodding shortly. "Fair enough," she says, "that's all we have time for today but I want to go into more of it next time if you'd like that too?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>He wouldn't say that it was ground-breaking or anything but it did feel good to talk about some of it. Harry makes an appointment for the following week, with that thought in mind.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>___</p><p> </p><p>Over the weekend, Harry decides to go to the cemetery to pay Zayn a visit. He does so at least once a week, so it's more or less a routine for him now. Which is why he's surprised to see someone he really thought would be out of his life for good by now, squatting over Zayn's grave, freshly picked flowers at the tombstone.</p><p> </p><p>"What the hell are you doing here?" Harry asks, walking hastily to him, almost as if to shield him away from Zayn's grave.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry," Louis blinks, surprised. He stands up, dusting his trousers. "I just--- I wanted to drop off some flowers."</p><p> </p><p>"You have no right to be here," Harry says, heated, "when I said leave me alone, I meant Zayn too, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, I just came to leave some flowers," Louis says, sounding exhausted. Harry can relate.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't care. Just get out of my life, our life. You had no trouble doing that before," Harry says, frustrated.</p><p> </p><p>"I told you, I want to make things right," Louis says calmly, "I wish I could have done that with Zayn too--- I really tried to--"</p><p> </p><p>"Louis, please, just leave. Why are you even still here?"</p><p> </p><p>"I live here, Harry, for about two years now, since, um," he clears his throat but Harry isn't having any of it.</p><p> </p><p>"Good for you, you've managed to stay away for that long, I'm sure you can do it again. You have nothing to make right because there is nothing left to."</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, I get that you're mad," Louis says, again calmly, "but I have to try, at least for mum—"</p><p> </p><p>"For Jay?" Harry asks, confused, "good, when mummy says to do something then by all means do it."</p><p> </p><p>"No, it's not--- I didn't even come for Zayn initially, I just happen to---"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't care," Harry almost groans, "just leave, and you can tell Jay how you've disappointed her yet again because you can't fix shit--- you fucked it up a long time ago."</p><p> </p><p>It's a low-blow, Harry knows this and the look on Louis' face makes him feel guiltier. Throwing back how disappointed Jay was in him when he'd opted to take a gap year, then to drop out of uni completely. Hell, the reason why he'd taken a year off was because Harry begged him to, too afraid of being without Louis for too long.</p><p> </p><p>Louis fish mouths for a second or two before looking away, swallowing visibly. "I'll, um, I'll go then."</p><p> </p><p>Harry bites the inside of cheek, holding any apology in. He doesn't deserve it, Harry thinks, for all the shit Louis has done, he doesn't even deserve an apology.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry," Louis says, a few steps away from him now, "I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sucks in a breath. He stares at Louis briefly before looking away, kneeling down at Zayn's grave and placing his own flowers there instead. Harry hears the faint sound of boots crunching over the grass, slowly fading away.</p><p> </p><p>His mum wouldn't be too happy with him right now. He never meant to disrespect Jay either. Jay had always been so kind to Harry, like another mum to him, much like Trisha is.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn't matter anymore now though. None of that does, he reminds himself.</p><p> </p><p>At the back of his mind, a voice is continuously reminding him that it still does, somewhere with the look of Louis' face from minutes ago haunting him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay! I am working on chapter four right now but I’m a bit stuck so I wanted to hold off posting this one but anyways, it’s here!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Liam and Niall meet again officially while Niall is visiting Harry. They're occupying themselves with a game of Scrabble when Harry hears a knock on the door.</p><p> </p><p>"You expecting anyone?" Niall asks, eyebrows pinched together.</p><p> </p><p>"Not besides you, no," Harry shakes his head, "maybe it's mum, let me go check."</p><p> </p><p>He's surprised to see Liam at the other end, looking a little sheepish, but he always does have that kind of look anyways. "Hi," Harry greets, "Li, I think you should really call before dropping by," he half-jokes.</p><p> </p><p>Liam doesn't exactly laugh or even smile back. "I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? I just wanted to talk to you."</p><p> </p><p>Harry frowns. He seems serious, more so than usual. "Um, not really. It's only Niall that's here. You can come in if you'd like to."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, if there's someone here then---"</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine, Liam. You can join us, if you'd like to. It'll just give me an excuse to restart Scrabble game that I'm losing," he chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>This time, Liam at least smiles. He bites his lip. "I do need to talk to you about something though-- I guess it can wait, I just wanted to do it as soon as possible before I chicken out."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, whatever you want to say, you can say it in front of Niall, I promise he's a good egg. Unless it's something, like really personal with you then I understand."</p><p> </p><p>"It's not me, um," Liam clears his throat, stepping inside the house. Harry eyes him curiously. "It's about Louis, actually."</p><p> </p><p>Harry's face hardens. "Liam---"</p><p> </p><p>"I know, we don't talk about him. But this, I have to say something. He told me not to but he's my best mate," Liam smiles sadly, "I have to say something."</p><p> </p><p>"Say what?" Harry asks tiredly. Everything is just Louis, Louis, Louis. He's so tired of it. It's been over a  month.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to sit down? Or should I come back later and talk? Since you have company."</p><p> </p><p>"If it's about Louis, it's probably better that Niall is here anyways. He doesn't have to, like, hear anything but," Harry shrugs, "probably would be better if he stayed."</p><p> </p><p>Liam sighs. "I really  think we should talk in private. Maybe I should go."</p><p> </p><p>"Liam," Harry sighs, "I'll tell Niall that you and I need to talk in private. Would that work?"</p><p> </p><p>Liam shrugs. "I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, fine," Harry says, "let me tell him."</p><p> </p><p>Niall is leaning against the couch when Harry comes in again. "Everything okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um, not sure. Liam is here, says he needs to talk to me about something important-- about Louis, apparently."</p><p> </p><p>Niall raises his eyebrows. "Oh?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, honestly not gonna waste my time on it but he knows we don't talk about Louis so I'm guessing it's something important."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want me to come with you?" Niall asks, already standing up.</p><p> </p><p>"No, no, the opposite actually. Just give us a few, yeah? It shouldn't take too long."</p><p> </p><p>Niall nods. "Okay, let me know if I need to be there, okay? Text me."</p><p> </p><p>"I will," Harry smiles, then joins Liam again back in the foyer.</p><p> </p><p>"We can speak in the kitchen if you'd like?" Harry offers.</p><p> </p><p>"Wherever," Liam says. Harry nods, leading the way to the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want something to drink? Eat maybe?"</p><p> </p><p>Liam shakes his head, a pursed albeit polite smile on his face.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Harry turns to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.</p><p> </p><p>"Um, sorry for bothering you like this but like I said, it was on my mind and I really needed to say something before I chickened out," Liam says as Harry sits next to him on a stool.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, it's okay," Harry says, "just tell me what it is."</p><p> </p><p>Liam takes a deep breath, then exhales. "Um, Louis told me about your run-in at the cemetery."</p><p> </p><p>Harry rolls his eyes. "And what exactly did he say?" He asks, taking a sip of his water.</p><p> </p><p>"That he was at Zayn's grave, you saw him and told him off. He, um, told me what you said... about Jay," Liam's voice gets softer, like he's being careful with what he's saying.</p><p> </p><p>Guilt bubbles in his stomach again. Harry looks down. "I was out of line for that," he admits, "but I don't want to see him again, Liam and it just frustrated me."</p><p> </p><p>"So you said his mum would be disappointed in him again?" Liam asks, not unkindly.</p><p> </p><p>Harry gulps. "Look, I am sorry about the way that came out but--- but I just keep seeing him everywhere and god, am I wrong, Liam? You know how disappointed she was in him when he dropped out."</p><p> </p><p>"With me," Liam purses his lips, "he dropped out with me."</p><p> </p><p>Harry's cheeks heat up. "I'm not trying to offend anyone," he sighs, "he just gets me all angry and frustrated and what made him think he could even be there in the first place?"</p><p> </p><p>"He wasn't there to visit Zayn specifically," Liam says, staring at Harry.</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Harry frowns, "but he was there---"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, but not for Zayn specifically, like I said, he was visiting..." Liam chews on his lip, looking away.</p><p> </p><p>Harry swallows. "Visiting who?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um, I probably shouldn't  be telling you this," Liam sighs, "but I can't just let this be, ugh."</p><p> </p><p>"What, Liam?" Harry presses.</p><p> </p><p>"He went to visit Fizzy," Liam blurts out.</p><p> </p><p>Harry blinks. "She lives nearby?" He asks, perplexed.</p><p> </p><p>Liam gives him a sad look. "No, she used to before she, um," he lets out a breath, "I think you know where I'm going with this."</p><p> </p><p>Harry feels the tears on his cheeks before anything else. He shakes his head. "That's not--- there's no way. She's not even thirty."</p><p> </p><p>"She passed two years ago," Liam explains, "a year after Jay."</p><p> </p><p>"Jay?" Harry squeaks, "what are you talking about?"</p><p> </p><p>"She's also, no more, Harry," Liam says quietly, "been over three years now."</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Harry whispers, more tears rushing down his cheeks. "How?" He demands.</p><p> </p><p>He can't believe--- god, this is unbelievable. He hasn't spoken to them in so long and he suddenly can't even remember why.</p><p> </p><p>"Cancer and, um, with Fiz it was... complications healthwise. Look, I'm sorry to tell you this way but what you said to him the other day, Harry... you need to understand why that must have hurt him. It really got to him. I know you probably don't care, I get it, but he is my best friend. If you don't want him in your life anymore, that's fine, but I can't stand to see him like that again. So, please, just, ignore him if you ever see him again, maybe? Or just, I don't know," he sighs, "I hope you understand where I'm coming from though."</p><p> </p><p>Harry swallows the lump in his throat. "Fuck," he breathes out shakily, "I care," he says, "I care about--- I did," he wipes his eyes, "oh my god, I can't believe I said that."</p><p> </p><p>He implied that Jay would be disappointed in Louis. Again. And she's not even here anymore. And Fizzy. My god, now that Harry thinks back on that day, he remembers how Louis tried to say that he didn't come for Zayn, he'd even mentioned Jay in a way that Harry should have picked up on quicker.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, Harry," Liam says, eyes shining, "I just--- he didn't want me to tell you when it happened and now, now I had to."</p><p> </p><p>"I understand," Harry nods, sniffing. If someone had to give Niall shit the way Harry had, Harry would have a fat lot to say to them. Frankly, Liam is being too nice.</p><p> </p><p>"He's not here to hurt you, Harry," Liam says quietly, "I know he has before but a lot of time has gone by, H."</p><p> </p><p>Harry's throat tightens at the nickname.</p><p> </p><p>"I think he was going to tell you if you, um, spoke to him, for the record. But, I understand, I do," Liam says quickly, "and he does too, but this--- this I had to say something about, if he wasn't going to get a chance to."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods but his mind is everywhere.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, are you— shit, what can I do? I just wanted to— you needed to know," Liam says.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry?" Harry hears Niall ask. "Harry, are you okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm— they're gone," Harry says, squeezing his eyes shut.</p><p> </p><p>"Who's gone? What happened?" Niall walks to him, hugging Harry to his chest. "Harry, talk to me."</p><p> </p><p>"Jay, Fiz, Zayn— they're all gone," he sobs.</p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Louis' mum and sister," Liam chimes in, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder, "Harry didn't know that they've passed away."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," Harry can hear from Niall's tone that he doesn't understand.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you— do you want me to leave?" Liam asks, looking guiltier than Harry feels.</p><p> </p><p>Harry sniffles, wiping his eyes. "You don't have to leave. God, just— give me a second to freshen up. I— I need to know more— I have to."</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, I think you should hear it from Louis. It's not my place," Liam says quickly.</p><p> </p><p>Harry bites his lip, staring at Liam.</p><p> </p><p>"Then why did you tell him this in the first place? Needed him to hurt more?" Niall asks, eyes narrowed at Liam.</p><p> </p><p>"Niall," Harry chides.</p><p> </p><p>"I told him because he needed to know. Louis wanted to tell him anyways but Harry didn't want to speak to him. After their little run-in at the cemetery, I couldn't stand seeing him upset after Harry told him things—unknowingly, of course— hence why I told him today."</p><p> </p><p>"He doesn't need to be feeling guilty over your friend," Niall bites back.</p><p> </p><p>"Niall," Harry reprimands him again, "don't."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't?" Niall repeats incredulously.</p><p> </p><p>Harry shuts his eyes and shakes his head. "You know what, maybe it'd be best if you both leave." He stands up abruptly.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry—"</p><p> </p><p>"Niall, seriously, I'll be fine," he cuts him off.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, I hope you know that I didn't do any of this to make you feel so horrible— well, not like this, at least. I didn't— I didn't think it would affect you this much, I don't know," Liam scrambles to explain.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course I care," Harry says quietly, "I really think you guys should leave — I need to be by myself right now."</p><p> </p><p>"Are you sure?" Niall asks, looking reluctant.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I'm— fuck," Harry let's out a breath, "I need to be on my own."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Niall agrees, "I'll text you later."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, I'm really sorry. I—"</p><p> </p><p>"I know," Harry says, "we're okay, I'll text you soon, yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>Liam nods, also looking hesitant.</p><p> </p><p>Once they do leave, Harry leans against the front door, trying to control his breathing. He's trying to comprehend everything that just happened? It's too much— so much. So, Harry does what he always does when he's upset or overwhelmed, he calls his mum.</p><p> </p><p>He's packing away the Scrabble game when she answers.</p><p> </p><p>"Hello, love," she greets happily.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, mum," he tries his best to sound okay but of course she picks it up.</p><p> </p><p>"What's wrong, love?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um, it's a bit of a long story," he sighs, sitting down on the lavender armchair, running his fingers over the fabric, "Liam came over."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh? I thought you were having your play date with with Niall."</p><p> </p><p>Harry cracks a smile at that. "It's not a play date and yes, Niall was here too. Liam just happened to drop by."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I'm guessing he said something to upset you," she says.</p><p> </p><p>"Um, kind of. It's not his fault though," Harry sighs, "he told me that— that, um, Fizzy is—" he exhales shakily, "Louis' sister, you remember her, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, yes, of course I do."</p><p> </p><p>"She passed away, mum," he squeezes his eyes shut, feeling tears run down his cheeks, "and so did Jay."</p><p> </p><p>"What?" She gasps, "are you sure?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, Liam told me today," Harry sniffs.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh my god, I can't believe it. How?"</p><p> </p><p>"Cancer with Jay and Liam said it was complicated with Fiz, I just— I can't— I saw Louis the other day. At the cemetery, he was at Zayn's and I got so mad at him because— because I kept seeing him everywhere and he couldn't leave me alone and I said something awful regarding him and Jay and," he let's out a breath, "and that's why Liam came over today, to tell me that what I said upset him and why it did."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, Harry," she sighs, also on the verge of tears, "I can't believe any of this, wow."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know what to do. I— I want to apologize, I think, but why should I?" He asks quietly, " he's done so much more, arguably worse, and he hasn't apologized, not even once."</p><p> </p><p>"Because that's not who you are nor is it how I raised you to be," she says,  "you do something because it's right, regardless. I don't know what you said but I know it's going to sit on your mind and make you feel guilty if you don't do something about it."</p><p> </p><p>Harry is quiet for a bit. He huffs. "I still feel so betrayed by him," he admits quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"This more than just him, don't you think?" She asks. "You were close to that family— we all were."</p><p> </p><p>Harry feels himself tear up again. "Yeah, we were."</p><p> </p><p>"I think I'd like to offer my condolences to him and the family too," she says, "they did that for Robin, remember?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods even though she can't see him. He remembers the bouquet of flowers they'd gotten from 'The Tomlinsons', and his mum said that Lottie even visited a few days after the funeral. At the time, Harry didn't care about anything to do with them so he didn't bother to ask much. How they'd found out about Robin, Harry isn't sure either. He guesses it's through Liam, as Liam had come back into their lives again back then, albeit briefly and not much.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I guess I'll apologize," he mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>"Sweetie, no one is saying that you two should be friends again or anything of the sorts but you know what? I think this might be good for you to do. I know you said you've moved on but I don't think you have, not fully at least. This could be for closure."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe," Harry mutters, though he isn't too sure about that, "I'm sorry about Jay, mum. I know you two were close before..."</p><p> </p><p>He knows that it's because of their fallout that his mum and Jay stopped speaking as much. They didn't end badly by any means, just parted ways, especially after the wedding.</p><p> </p><p>"It's— I know you are but it's no ones fault, love. I'm sorry too though. Wish I could have, I don't know, been there at the very least," She sniffs.</p><p> </p><p>"I know, me too," Harry swallows the growing lump in his throat.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>____</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He's warm. It's all over his back and front, engulfing him completely. Harry moves further into it, humming in delight. He hasn't felt that sort of warmth since—</p><p> </p><p>Harry opens his eyes, heart in his throat. He looks down, seeing that familiar tattooed arm draped across his waist. Tears rush to his eyes. He turns around quickly and—</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, babes," Zayn smiles, eyes crinkling.</p><p> </p><p>"What— oh my god," Harry cries, shoving himself right into Zayn, clutching his shirt tightly and crying softly into his neck.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, it's okay, you're all right," Zayn shushes him, kissing his head and rubbing his hand over Harry's spine soothingly.</p><p> </p><p>"I missed you," he sobs, "I can't believe you're here."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm here, hey, look at me," Zayn runs his fingers through Harry's hair softly.</p><p> </p><p>Harry pulls away to look at him, really look at him. And he's actually there, in front of Harry, touselled hair like when he wakes up in the morning, eyes lighter than usual, smile always soft and bright when he looks at Harry. Harry runs the pads of fingertips over his face; his stubble, the skin that's tender under his eyes, his long eyelashes— it's all him.</p><p> </p><p>Harry bursts into tears again, covering his sobs with a hand over his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry," Zayn pulls Harry close, kissing his forehead, cupping Harry's face.</p><p> </p><p>Zayn rests their foreheads together, his thumb moving over Harry's cheek gently. "Come on, babe, no more crying, yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, still crying softly, sobs subsiding. Gingerly, their lips meet in a sweet kiss. Harry sighs in relief, kissing him again and then again, relishing in the way their lips fit together so perfectly.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you, jaan," Zayn says, pulling away, looking deeply into his eyes, "I'll always love you, never forget that, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods earnestly. "I love you too, so much."</p><p> </p><p>Zayn smiles, rubbing their noses together before kissing him one more time.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Harry wakes up with a gasp, fingers running over his lips in confusion. Just to be sure, he looks beside him only to find the sheets empty and cold. He let's out a disappointed sigh and drops his head into his hands. "Fuck," he curses.</p><p> </p><p>He's had a handful of dreams about Zayn before this but this one, this one felt different. It felt so fucking real. Like he was beside Harry, like most mornings, and he was so beautiful. God, Harry misses him so much. Even his cheeks feel damp, as if he were crying only moments ago. Harry gazes at the empty spot besides him longingly.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know how to do this without you," Harry whispers, to no one and someone in particular simultaneously.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, Harry does force himself to get up and have a shower. He has work to go to so he needs to pull himself together. Life has to carry on and he has to move on. He can't keep getting stuck in these loops, reliving his life with Zayn. A life he doesn't have anymore.</p><p> </p><p>The first thing that happens when he gets to work is getting bombarded by questions from Niall. He hasn't been ignoring Niall or Liam per se, just not answering them as much as he should have, with as much of information as they'd wanted.</p><p> </p><p>"What was that? I don't get why that affected you so much," Is the question Harry decides to start with answering.</p><p> </p><p>"Louis was my best friend, Niall, since I was, like, ten. Our families were close. His family were like my own. Our fallout— it was a lot and intense that's why I was so upset. That's why I got angry. Finding out about his mum and his sister, it was a lot. I hadn't seen them in years, Ni, I felt so bad," he explains, letting out an exasperated sigh, "and what I said to him that day at the cemetery was not right either."</p><p> </p><p>"But why did Liam have to tell you all of this? To, like, guilt trip you or what?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head. "No, he said that Louis told him not to say anything but Ni, if it were the other way around, you would do the same thing. If someone had to tell me those horrible things, say about Zayn, you would tell them off, wouldn't you?"</p><p> </p><p>Niall purses his lips stubbornly. "He's still done all that stuff in the past— your wedding, for God's sake."</p><p> </p><p>"I know, trust me, I remember. But after speaking to mum, I think that maybe I should talk to him," he admits reluctantly.</p><p> </p><p>Niall blinks at him through his glasses, eyes wide. "For what?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs. "Niall, you don't get it, I have to. And you know what? If it gets him off my back and just say what he needs to say, it'll be done and over with. He'll be out of my life for good and maybe— maybe I'll get to move on, properly. A fresh start."</p><p> </p><p>"Fresh start, huh?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "It's killing me, Ni," he says, voice cracking, "I miss him more and more everyday and I don't know how to do any of this without him."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, Harry," Niall says, in that voice. The pity one.</p><p> </p><p>"I know, I know. But I'm going to try, okay? I'll get this thing with Louis over and done with and from there on out, I'm going to try my best to make a change in my life. I was thinking—" he swallows his words, "um, I was thinking of selling."</p><p> </p><p>"Your home?" Niall asks, surprised.</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "Everything there is reminding me of him and what I lost. I just— it's too big for just Blue and I now. Besides, I don't know if I can afford it on just my salary for much longer."</p><p> </p><p>Niall nods, grabbing his hand. "Okay, whatever you need. We'll figure this out together, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," he smiles gratefully.</p><p> </p><p>"So, um, are you going to tell Liam that you want to talk to Louis?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," he licks his lips, "I'll tell him later today."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Niall frowns, "if he does anything, I swear to god I'll—"</p><p> </p><p>"I know, don't worry," Harry squeezes his hand, "thank you, but I'll be fine."</p><p> </p><p>"Fine, but you'll update me every step of the way, whenever you're meeting him, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"Of course," Harry promises. He'll probably only tell Niall everything after they speak.</p><p> </p><p>The rest of work goes more or less the same, nothing too special. Harry phones Liam after he's had something to eat and Liam is ... worried when he answers the phone.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, please tell me you're okay," he says.</p><p> </p><p>"Liam, I'm okay," Harry says.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I'm— are you sure?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry smiles a bit. "I'm sure. I'll be fine."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I'm really sorry about everything. I swear to you, I didn't mean to make you so upset. I really didn't think you would react that way."</p><p> </p><p>Harry frowns. He can understand why Liam wouldn't think Harry would care much. "But then why did you tell me that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Because you're not a bad person, Harry. I knew that if I told you why he was upset, you would at least know and understand. That's all I wanted but, um, yeah, you took it really badly."</p><p> </p><p>"That's one way to put it," he laughs humourlessly, "listen, Liam, I think... I think I want to apologize to, um, Louis about what I said."</p><p> </p><p>"Really?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I owe it to him and, um, he can say what he needs to but I'm not— it doesn't mean anything. I don't forgive him or anything. I'm just willing to hear what he has to say, that's all."</p><p> </p><p>"Really?" He asks again, "Harry, that means a lot to him, thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Harry clears his throat, "just... make it this weekend, maybe?"</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, yeah," Liam agrees, sounding a little flustered, "at— at your place? Or you could come here to mine?"</p><p> </p><p>"Somewhere public?" Harry suggests, "I think I'll be more comfortable with that."</p><p> </p><p>"Um, okay, I'll— I'll tell him that. You should know though, that he probably has a lot to say."</p><p> </p><p>"What do you mean?" Harry frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"It's a really long story, H, like," he laughs, "there's a lot."</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs. "I'm only willing to meet him somewhere public."</p><p> </p><p>Liam sighs this time. "Okay, I get it. I'll tell him. Saturday fine for you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Harry replies, but his voice sounds far away. He's not quite sure why.</p><p> </p><p>"Great. Thank you, Harry, really," he says, sounding so sincere that Harry would think he was doing Liam a favour and not Louis.</p><p> </p><p>Inexplicably, Harry starts crying silently. He wipes at his cheeks. "Eleven in the morning, for brunch," Harry says, voice raw, "bye, Liam."</p><p> </p><p>He hangs up after that and he catches sight of his wallpaper. The tears come rushing in even more after that. It's a picture of him and Zayn, taken at their wedding, fucking ten years ago, they were sitting at their table, about three glasses of champagne in, with Harry's head resting on Zayn's shoulder and Zayn kissing the top of his head. This was before all the drama happened with Louis but between Zayn and Harry, there was nothing but love in the air that night. There always was with them. They had their issues, like every couple does, but Harry knew they loved each other more than anything.</p><p> </p><p>Almost as if he felt the same thing, Blue let's out a whine, placing his head at Harry's feet. Harry chuckles sadly, running his hand through Blue's fur then places a kiss to his head.  "You miss him too, huh?"</p><p> </p><p>Blue let's out another whine. Harry's heart aches. Blue is their baby, he hates seeing him sad. He shifts so that Blue is over his lap instead and continues to pet him. When Harry looks up, he sees them again, a frame of them, this time one from when they were in uni, a few months into dating. Harry's kissing Zayn's cheek, both of them looking blurry. Harry sighs. Maybe he does need to start looking for another place but he's just not sure how he's going to leave this place behind. Him and Zayn, they built their life here— they were building their lives here. How can he leave all that behind without feeling like he's leaving Zayn behind completely?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>____</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Saturday, much to Harry's bad luck, starts off horribly. He dreamt about Zayn again, and he ended up feeling worse after waking up this time 'round. He spends at least half an hour cuddling Blue in bed before he convinces himself to go and shower and have something to eat. He doesn't eat much, not being able to stomach down anything. He's meeting Louis for God's sake. Willingly. The last time they'd sat down and talked was actually before their wedding. Harry was surprised Louis even came to their wedding, considering the fact that he hadn't spoken to Harry in a year.</p><p> </p><p>He had hope that day, that they could maybe fix things. Before Louis ruined it of course. Harry frowns, gulping down more of his coffee. He looks at Blue. "Do you think I'm making a mistake?"</p><p> </p><p>Blue looks up at him, sitting down near his bowl of food and water. Then he leans down and licks out of his water bowl.</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs. "Thanks, love," he ruffles Blue's fur and grabs his keys along with his jacket, " I'll be back in a few," he kisses Blue's head before heading out the door.</p><p> </p><p>Waiting for Louis at the spot they'd agreed to meet is like waiting in line for a rollercoaster. His adrenaline is pumping and his heart is in his throat. The only difference is that he hates rollercoasters and he's dreading how this meeting is going to go. Louis is nothing if not punctual because just as the clock hits eleven, he enters the café, wearing a hoodie and joggers, his fringe hidden underneath a cap. Harry inhales sharply. Louis scans the small café until their eyes meet. His posture becomes stiff, spine straightening. Quickly, he looks down and trudges towards Harry's direction.</p><p> </p><p>Harry isn't sure what the standard protocol for this sort of thing is. He doesn't really want to stand up and give him a hug or even a handshake, so he doesn't. Louis must realize this because he simply pulls out the chair opposite Harry and sits down.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi," Louis greets. Harry looks up at him.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey," he says back, tightening his hands around the cup of coffee. Cup number two, he should probably stop after this.</p><p> </p><p>"Um," Louis starts, clearing his throat, "thank you for meeting with me."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, sipping his coffee. "I should probably start by saying sorry about what I said to you that day— at the cemetery."</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine. I get it. You're angry and you didn't know," Louis says, voice small.</p><p> </p><p>"I still shouldn't have said it," Harry insists. He swallows, looking at Louis again, "I'm sorry about Jay and Fizzy too," he adds.</p><p> </p><p>Louis purses his lips into a sad smile, their eyes meeting again. "I am too and I'm sorry Liam told you the way he did, I told him not to."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods again, allowing an uncomfortable silence to settle between them.</p><p> </p><p>"I— I have a lot to say to you, Harry, a lot to apologize for," Louis says, "and I don't expect anything from you after this, I'm just grateful that you agreed to meet me."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Harry scans his face, "you shouldn't— expect anything, I mean. I— I realized that this needs to happen in order for me to move forward properly."</p><p> </p><p>There's disappointment behind his eyes but he nods anyways."Okay, fair enough. I— um, I don't really know where to start," he laughs.</p><p> </p><p>Harry rolls his eyes. "Louis, please don't waste my time," he says tiredly, "I already don't really want to be here."</p><p> </p><p>Louis bites his bottom lip and nods again. "Fine, yeah, maybe— maybe I should start with mum and Fiz?"</p><p> </p><p>"If you want to," Harry says, a little gentler this time.</p><p> </p><p>"I do, that's why I'm here," he says, "mum got diagnosed about a year before she passed, it was leukemia and Fiz... she had some health complications and, um, yeah, we lost her because of it."</p><p> </p><p>He's heard as much from Liam but it feels better hearing it Louis, in a bittersweet way."I'm so sorry," Harry says sincerely, "I wish I knew, I would have gone to their funerals or—" he cuts himself off, shaking his head, "I'm really sorry, I know how much they mean to you."</p><p> </p><p>"You said mean," he furrows his brows, gazing at Harry.</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Harry asks, perplexed.</p><p> </p><p>"You're the first person who's said 'what they mean to you', not 'what they meant'."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, well, Zayn still means a lot to me, even if he isn't here with me anymore, so," he shrugs, looking down at his coffee again.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm so sorry about Zayn, Harry," he says, sounding genuine. Harry chews on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from doing something stupid like crying.</p><p> </p><p>"Me too," he manages to get out, letting out a breath.</p><p> </p><p>"I know how much you love him and vice versa, this must be really hard for you right now. I know with mum and Fiz, the first few months were agonizing . I just couldn't believe it. I kept waiting for them to come back somehow even though I knew they weren't going to."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "Yeah, I— it's still hard to wrap my head around."</p><p> </p><p>"I understand but you'll get there," Louis says earnestly.</p><p> </p><p>Harry doesn't reply, taking another sip of his coffee instead.</p><p> </p><p>"You drink coffee now?" Louis asks.</p><p> </p><p>Harry shrugs. "Since uni, I got used to it, I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"Me too," Louis says, "um, do you mind if I get some?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head. "Go ahead."</p><p> </p><p>They sit in silence as they wait for Louis' coffee to come. Well, until it does then Louis does speak again.</p><p> </p><p>"Should we have had some small talk before diving right into everything?" Louis chuckles, mixing in some sugar in his coffee.</p><p> </p><p>"There's no point in small talk. We did meet for a reason, didn't we?" Harry tries to keep his voice more or less in a monotone.</p><p> </p><p>Louis purses his lips again. "Okay, um, maybe it would help if there's anything you want to ask? I— I don't really know what to say."</p><p> </p><p>"You've been wanting to talk to me for weeks but you don't know what to say?" Harry asks, raising an eyebrow at him.</p><p> </p><p>"I mean, I know what to say, I just don't know how to say it. You've been through so much already," he sighs, "fuck it, this has been a long time coming, you deserve an explanation for everything."</p><p> </p><p>"Start from whenever you decided I wasn't good enough to be your friend anymore," Harry can't help but bite.</p><p> </p><p>Louis stares sadly at him. "I never ever thought that for the record, but I think I know what you want me to talk about and I suppose I should start with that."</p><p> </p><p>Harry waits, shimming on his seat.</p><p> </p><p>"We were friends for a while before I went to uni, which you know, of course. Um, I think it was just before I left for uni when I realized," Louis stops, his face going a little pale.</p><p> </p><p>"Realized?" Harry prompts, interest perked.</p><p> </p><p>"That I... had feelings for you," Louis let out in one breath, "well, more than just feelings, really, but, um that's just semantics, I guess."</p><p> </p><p>Harry's heart leapt to his throat. He fish mouths for a second or so. "I— what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," he let's out a humorless laugh, "I didn't say anything because you still had a year left of school so I decided to wait until you came to uni too, so it would be easier, you know? You seemed set on going to the same uni after the few visits so I wanted to wait. Then you started and Zayn came into second year with me the same year and I didn't— I didn't know you two would hit it off so well. I didn't think much of it at first; I still planned on telling you how I felt, wanted to ask you out and everything, at one of the first party's we went to, remember? I wanted to tell you everything but then I couldn't find you and the next morning, you and Zayn come to The Daily holding hands and being all lovey dovey with each other and I just... I realized there was no way you could have felt the same."</p><p> </p><p>Harry blinks. He's never— it never occurred to him, not even once, that Louis liked him more than a friend. He, personally, never really saw Louis that way. Sure, there's the normal,'is this a crush on my best friend?' stage he went through but it never happened again. And now— here Louis is, telling Harry that he— what? — loved him? Had feelings for him?</p><p> </p><p>"Look, I know this is a lot but Harry, this was a long time ago and you didn't know anything,"</p><p> </p><p>"That's why you left with Liam," he realizes, frowning, "isn't it?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis sighs. "Yeah, I was stupid and heartbroken and you and Zayn were doing better and better as the days went by. I knew that I needed to just get away from everything but I never meant to stop talking to you, trust me, I didn't. I regret that so much. I shouldn't have ignored you."</p><p> </p><p>"You dropped out of uni and went away because of me," Harry says, because he has to say it out loud to comprehend it, "and then you stopped talking to me."</p><p> </p><p>"Which was not fair because none of that was your fault," Louis says sternly, "you had no idea about any of this and you deserved to be happy— you still do. I decided that it would be best if I left because I knew I couldn't— I couldn't watch you be happy with someone else and it killed me because that's all I've ever wanted for you. I needed a break. Then you still, after a fucking year and some later, invited me to your bloody wedding," he chuckles wetly, "and I really thought I was over it, I thought that maybe I could go to your wedding, apologize to you and Zayn and be your friend again because I really fucking missed it, Harry, you have no idea. But then I saw you two together and I felt— I just felt like I got stabbed, you know? And suddenly everything came back to me and that's why I, um, well, you know."</p><p> </p><p>Yes, Harry knows. He got piss drunk, started yelling about how Harry and Zayn shouldn't even be together in the first place, how he waited for them to break up, how he never thought they'd get married. Then he destroyed their wedding cake, started making a mess of the decor around him and other patrons and to top it all fucking off, he punched Zayn square in the face. If Zayn was a person who had a bad temper, there probably would have been more of fight, but he wasn't. So, he calmly held Louis back before he could make another move and a few friends and family removed him from the venue. That was the last time Harry saw Louis before the funeral. Harry was so angry and Zayn was upset. He'd blocked Louis' contacts, from his number to social media and decided then and there that it wasn't worth fighting for something that had already died; their friendship was over.</p><p> </p><p>And it was hard at first, for Harry to accept that. While Zayn had only known Louis for a few months, Harry had known him for years. Louis was his best friend. And before the wedding, Harry had hope that they could be best friends again. After though, everything was crushed. He tried not to let it bother him, especially because it was his wedding day and they were newly weds. It worked for the most part. He was happy that he had Zayn because Zayn was the love of his life, even if it did feel like part of him was missing sometimes. But overtime, he'd gotten used to it and the sadness turned into anger. He could only be angry at Louis, for ruining what they had.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, please say something," he begs, eyes wide.</p><p> </p><p>"I— I don't know what to say," he sniffs,"it's all been so much the past few months what the fuck," he drops his head into his hands to stop himself from crying.</p><p> </p><p>"Shit, Harry, I'm sorry, I really am. I just thought it was time you know the truth. I— mum, before she passed, she told me to make things right with you, so did Fiz. It was about time. I wanted to do it a while ago but I kept chickening out and then Zayn—"</p><p> </p><p>Harry looks up, tears obstructing his vision.</p><p> </p><p>"When I heard about Zayn I was gutted. I knew I fucked up. Fucking again," he shakes his head, "and I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to make things right with you, no matter what. Hence why I was so persistent. But then I saw, I really saw how much I hurt you, how much of anger you had towards me— which I understand— and that day at the cemetery, I realized that it was probably too late to do anything about it."</p><p> </p><p>Harry cries softly, grabbing a tissue from his pocket and wiping his nose. He truly doesn't know what to say anymore. There's just so much of information being unloaded on him recently. He can't fucking catch a break to breathe.</p><p> </p><p>"Liam kept trying to push me to speak to you guys, especially after he met you guys again and you and Zayn were good to him. I was convinced you both hated me though. But Liam pushed me. So I called the one time, through Liam's phone and Zayn picked up, told me to fuck off, Hell , Zayn said that you hated me and I don't blame him or you. He told Liam to keep his distance too after that and not to bring it up, because it would be for the best or else it would just upset you."</p><p> </p><p>"Wait, what?" Harry punches his brows together. That's the first time he's heard of any of any of that.</p><p> </p><p>Louis frowns. "Five years ago, I think? Did you not— did you not know about what Zayn said?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head. "I never— he never said anything. I just figured Liam went on his own buzz again and that was that."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, um, well, I did attempt to speak to him and you again five years ago but after that I decided that I should probably stop. And then mum happened and then... yeah, you know the rest."</p><p> </p><p>Harry feels an odd sense of betrayal. Sure, Harry was mad, but he would have liked to know that Louis called at least. He wonders why Zayn never told him. They never kept secrets from each other.</p><p> </p><p>"He was probably just looking out for you," Louis speaks up, as if he were offering an explanation on behalf of Zayn.</p><p> </p><p>Harry looks down. "I really don't know what to say," he let's out a shaky breath. He leans down, rubbing his temples and shutting his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"I know this is a lot, Harry. And I'm not using any of this as an excuse. I'm giving you an explanation because you deserve one. And I'm telling you again, that I'm so so fucking sorry about what I did. It was immature and petty. I hope one day you can forgive me for everything I did that hurt you. I wish Zayn could have too."</p><p> </p><p>Harry looks at him again, really looks at him. He really does look aged, yet young at the same time. Maybe it's the bags underneath his eyes that make him look older. There's still that youth in his eyes though. Harry can't explain it, but its there. And he looks sincere. He looks like if Harry says one wrong thing right now, he would burst into tears.</p><p> </p><p>"I—" Harry starts, Louis' eyes getting wider, "I need a smoke."</p><p> </p><p>Louis blinks, clearly surprised. "You smoke?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "I did it at like parties and stuff at one stage and then I stopped but ever since Zayn... " he trails off,"the smell reminds me of him."</p><p> </p><p>Louis nods, eyes sympathetic. "Um, do you want me to come with you or?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head. "I, uh, I think I just need a breather."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, yeah. Do you want to order anything else?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head, getting up. "I'll be back in a few."</p><p> </p><p>"O-okay, just, um, be careful, I guess?" Louis laughs nervously.</p><p> </p><p>Harry sends him a pursed smile before hastily walking out the door, grabbing his cigarettes and lighter (I.e. Zayn's). He leans against the side of the café, lighting one up and exhaling the smoke. He decides to run through what he just found out:</p><p> </p><p>He just fucking found out that his best friend for years had feelings for him and Harry never felt the same. So, said best friend couldn't watch Harry be with someone else, as dramatic as that is, so he left and decided to stop talking to Harry. Then, he wanted redemption but ended up making things worse which resulted in them not speaking again, until now of course.</p><p> </p><p>The question is now, what the hell does he do? He puts himself in Louis' shoes and he understands it to an extent. If he liked Zayn, for example, but Zayn wasn't at all interested in him and instead liked his friend, he would be devastated. He wouldn't drop out of uni, he doesn't think he would at least, but it would hurt there's no doubt about that. And he doesn't think he could ever stop talking to his best friend. Maybe it's hard to say, since he's never experienced it.</p><p> </p><p>It's just... to lash out the way Louis did at their wedding... he must have really loved Harry, in a weird way. You don't just do that for someone you 'have feelings for'. Harry feels horrible for causing it, however unintentional it was. He looks up at the grey sky and let's out another puff of smoke.</p><p> </p><p>"What do I do?" He asks out loud to no one in particular.</p><p> </p><p>Is his anger towards Louis still warranted after all of this? In a way, yes. He had no idea about any of this, like Louis said, and it was unfair how Louis had just left and cut Harry out his life then proceeded to be a dick about it. Does all of this put everything into perspective for Harry though? Definitely. It's still confusing, because he doesn't know how to feel, really, but he is glad he got to hear Louis' side of the story. For years, he'd wondered what the fuck happened to them and where they'd fallen out. Now, he has somewhat of an explanation. He has a lot of questions of which none come to mind right now, for some reason.</p><p> </p><p>When Harry decides to go back inside, Louis is still sitting with his hands clasped around a cup of coffee. A fresh one, it seems, judging by the steam rising up from it. He straightens up upon seeing Harry, pushing his chair back into the table. Harry sits down, feeling more awkward than ever.</p><p> </p><p>"Have a good smoke?" Louis asks with a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "Do you, um, still smoke?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis shrugs. "On bad days and special occasions."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods, biting his lip.</p><p> </p><p>"I used to do it a lot at one stage, then again after mum and Fiz."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm really sorry about them," Harry says again, "I'm so sorry."</p><p> </p><p>" I know," Louis smiles sadly, "it's okay, there's nothing I can do about it or you for that matter. They were both really happy though and mum told me that was all that mattered."</p><p> </p><p>Harry smiles. "She was always a glass half-full kind of person."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Louis laughs, smiling fondly, "I really miss her."</p><p> </p><p>That, Harry can understand. "I know. I understand. I miss them too," he says honestly, "why didn't you tell me... about them?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis sighs. "I didn't know if you'd care or not, as bad as it sounds. I figured after everything, you don't want this constant reminder of me I'm your life."</p><p> </p><p>Harry puffs out air from his cheeks. "So you made another decision for me—us?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis winces. "I'm sorry, look, I've learnt from then, yeah? I'm not doing anything on your behalf or for you, I'm telling you the truth; laying my cards out, or whatever. Whatever you want to do from here is all you."</p><p> </p><p>Harry let's out a snort. "Thanks," he shakes his head, "I don't know what to say, Louis."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, do you have any questions?" Louis asks hesitantly, "you look..."</p><p> </p><p>"Confused? Lost? Upset?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis shrugs.</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs. "I have some questions but I don't— I don't know what they are, honestly."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," Louis searches his eyes, "you can ask me whenever you want to, whatever it may be."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you still love me?" Harry blurts out without a second thought.</p><p> </p><p>Louis looks surprised. He clears his throat, shaking his head and looking down at his drink before taking a sip. He never said 'love' but Harry knows that's what it was. He's felt it, he's experienced it, he knows it makes people do crazy things, it makes them do great things. It's bittersweet sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>"No," he replies, placing his cup down, "I've... I've moved on, Harry. I've been in a few serious relationships. It's okay, you don't need to worry about that."</p><p> </p><p>"It's not something I would be worried about," Harry says, knitting his brows together, "that's not why I asked."</p><p> </p><p>Louis licks his lips. He nods. "Is there anything else?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry exhales heavily. "I don't know," he says, frustrated suddenly, "this is so much," he tears up again, "sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, it's okay, Harry," Louis says softly, "we can— we can talk about something else?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry swallows, overwhelmed. The lump in his throat keeps expanding. "I think I should go, actually," he gets up abruptly.</p><p> </p><p>"Harry—"</p><p> </p><p>"No, it's okay," Harry puts up a hand to stop him, "I'm just— I need some time, that's all."</p><p> </p><p>"I— okay," Louis sighs, "okay, please just, I know you have questions, I know you want to know more. You can ask me anything, okay?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods jerkily, tears falling to his cheeks."Thank you for telling me I just need to go, please."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, just— please let me drive you back at least? I know you're having a panic attack right now— or anxiety, I'm not quite sure. But you can't be driving right now," Louis gets up.</p><p> </p><p>Harry takes a step back. "I'll be okay," he hastily takes out some money from his wallet and places it on the table before walking out as fast as he can and to his car.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't look back once as he drives off.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>___</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He says thank you for talking to him and that he hopes you'll speak to him again soon. He knows you have questions and he'll be glad to answer them</p><p> </p><p>Oh and he says take care of yourself.</p><p> </p><p>Harry stares at the messages from Liam, sighing. They're two days old now. He should probably reply but the issue is that he doesn't know what to say. His mind feels scrambled. What the hell can he say? Everything happened so quickly. Louis was in love with him for God's sake. Harry wonders of Zayn knew. Maybe that's why he never told Harry about Louis trying to contact him again years ago. If it was just to protect Harry, like Louis said, then... why?</p><p> </p><p>There's just— it's just too much. But he needs to say something to Liam otherwise the guilt will eat him alive. He feels bad, he has since he's heard Louis' story.</p><p> </p><p>Biting his lip, Harry types out a reply.</p><p> </p><p>I'm sorry for leaving the way I did, I just needed some time.</p><p> </p><p>Harry places his phone down, drinking some wine and petting Blue. The phone vibrates not even a second after he swallows.</p><p> </p><p>He said it's okay. Do you still want to ask him some questions?</p><p> </p><p>God, did they live together? Why is he always with Liam?</p><p> </p><p>He does want to ask some more questions. He's thought of a few already and wrote them down. But the one that he doesn't think either of the can answer is, does he want to see Louis again after all of this? So, he answers some of Harry's questions and now Harry knows why he did what he did, then what? What does he do from here? He's so confused.</p><p> </p><p>I do. Maybe we can meet again?</p><p> </p><p>Harry gnaws on his lip until the skin is raw, waiting for a reply.</p><p> </p><p>Any time. Just tell me when and where.</p><p> </p><p>Harry hums.</p><p> </p><p>He could come over here? It might be easier.</p><p> </p><p>He's not thrilled about the idea of Louis coming into his home but he also doesn't fancy going out again. That, and he needs to save some of his finances now too. He'd rather Louis come here than he go anywhere else too.</p><p> </p><p>Okay sure</p><p> </p><p>And Harry, thank you again— Louis</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head, leaving his phone aside and enjoying the rest of whatever is playing on the tv with Blue by his side. He really hopes he's making the right decision here.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>___</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Blue starts barking at the door when Louis arrives. Harry has to shoo him away as he opens the door but Louis' face lights up upon seeing Blue. He immediately bends down and Blue pushes passed Harry, towards Louis.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, buddy," Louis grins, holding his hand out and letting Blue sniff it before petting him. Harry realises he hasn't seen Louis smile like that in years.</p><p> </p><p>"What's his name?" Louis asks, still running his hands through Blue's fur.</p><p> </p><p>"Blue," Harry answers, "you can, um, come in."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, right, right," Louis stands to his feet, "sorry about that. Hi, Harry."</p><p> </p><p>"Hi," Harry greets politely, stepping aside and calling Blue in too.</p><p> </p><p>"He's a really cute dog," Louis says, walking in. Blue follows his movements.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, um, you can take off your coat if you'd like to."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm okay, actually. Feeling a bit cold."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, okay, um, you can sit down here," he gestures towards the private lounge, "I'll bring out some snacks and tea."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, do you need any help?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, no, it's fine, thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I, uh, brought some eclairs too, from the bakery nearby," Louis holds out a box for Harry.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," he mumbles, accepting it, "Liam did too, when he first came after the funeral, I mean."</p><p> </p><p>"I, uh, I know. I told him you'd like eclairs," Louis smiles nervously.</p><p> </p><p>Harry looks up at him. "Oh, thanks, I guess."</p><p> </p><p>He remembers. Liam probably didn't. Right.</p><p> </p><p>"You can sit. I'll be there in a sec," Harry snaps out of nay further thoughts and turns to walk to the kitchen. He hears Louis beckoning Blue over too. He'd forgotten how much Louis loved dogs. Loves, clearly. And Blue has already taken a liking to him.</p><p> </p><p>Harry sets the eclairs onto a plate along with some spring rolls, the ones Trisha taught him to make, and biscuits beside the pot of tea. Carefully, he carries the tray to the lounge and places it on the coffee table before sitting down on the armchair, the lavender one.</p><p> </p><p>Blue is already laying down at Louis' feet, looking as comfortable as ever.</p><p> </p><p>"You can help yourself," Harry gestures to the tray, "I'm not sure if you still take your tea the same way."</p><p> </p><p>Louis smiles wryly. "I'll always take it the same way." He reaches forward, pouring the tea into one of the cups carefully. "Do you want me to pour yours too?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, I'm all right. Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"I have a dog too, you know?" He sips his tea slowly, "his name is Clifford."</p><p> </p><p>"That's sweet. Is he a husky too?"</p><p> </p><p>Dogs. They can talk about dogs.</p><p> </p><p>"No, labradoodle. He's a tyrant. Runs the house more than I do."</p><p> </p><p>Harry smiles. "Blue is fairly passive. Albeit eccentric."</p><p> </p><p>Louis chuckles lowly, petting Blue again. "He's really sweet. I didn't see him that day, um, when I came here."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah he was outside."</p><p> </p><p>"How has he been with Zayn gone?" Louis asks quietly, tentatively.</p><p> </p><p>"He's... okay. He was sad at first but he's getting much better— like his old self."</p><p> </p><p>"That's good," Louis grins, having more of his tea, "are you not going to eat anything either?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, I'm not very hungry," Harry shrugs.</p><p> </p><p>Louis searches his face for a second or two before looking away. "So, you have questions for me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Right," Harry pulls out his phone, opening his notes app.</p><p> </p><p>Louis snorts. "You typed it on your phone?"</p><p> </p><p>"I had to or else I'd forget. There was a lot on my mind, you know?" He says dryly.</p><p> </p><p>"Right. Sorry. Go ahead then."</p><p> </p><p>Harry shifts on his seat. "First, I want to know why you decided that ignoring me and leaving would be the best idea?"</p><p> </p><p>It might seem like a bit of an insensitive or harsh question but he couldn't help but wonder. It seems like a bit of a dramatic move.</p><p> </p><p>"I told you, it was stupid. I was acting stupid and immature because I was heartbroken. I tried to move past it, I did. But every time I saw you two together, I just felt... I felt like I was being stabbed every single time. It was torture and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how else to deal with it. It wasn't the best thing to do, of course. And I told you I regret it more than anything."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods.</p><p> </p><p>"Look, you have to understand, I wasn't thinking straight. I just knew I needed to get away for a while."</p><p> </p><p>"But you stopped speaking to me. I— I was so confused. You were my best friend and I didn't even know you wanted that to stop. I was heartbroken too," Harry says, voice cracking.</p><p> </p><p>"I know, Harry and I'm so so sorry. I was being selfish. I just— I didn't think you'd care, Harry," Louis sighs.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course I'd care," he says in disbelief, "how could you think I wouldn't?"</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, once you and Zayn started dating, we hardly saw each other anyways," he says, eyes intent.</p><p> </p><p>Harry frowns. He wants to deny it but then he thinks about it, really thinks about it. They stopped having their movie nights, they stopped meeting up as much, texting as much. Harry blew Louis off to hang out Zayn more than a handful of times. He feels a bout of guilt fill his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>"You're right," he sits up straighter, "god, I'm so sorry, Louis."</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay, Harry. We both did stupid things. You were all new in love and I was being way too clingy anyways."</p><p> </p><p>"You weren't. I should have been a better friend," Harry says earnestly, "I'm sorry for that."</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay, I'm sorry too," Louis says with a small smile, "anything else you want to know?"</p><p> </p><p>"How do you know it was love and not infatuation?" He asks bravely, maybe a little insensitive again. But, infatuation drives people to do crazy things too. There's always a possibility that it was infatuation and Louis had mistaken it.</p><p> </p><p>Louis looks at him incredulously.</p><p> </p><p>"What? It's a valid question, Louis," he says defensively.</p><p> </p><p>Louis shakes his head, placing his cup down. "You know, I never actually said love."</p><p> </p><p>Harry gives an unimpressed look.</p><p> </p><p>Louis sighs. "Fine, you wanna know how I knew? Because whenever I was with you, I've never felt happier. Being away from you felt like half of myself was missing. My heart physically ached to see with someone else when I knew you belonged with me. When all I thought about was you, every single hour of every day. All I wanted was to make you happy. I dreamt about our future together, literally every time we saw each other, even when we weren't. I was a lovesick fool, Harry. Trust me, it was love."</p><p> </p><p>Harry feels a little breathless after his confession.</p><p> </p><p>"You know that's what love feels, Harry, don't you? When it feels like you can't breathe if they're not beside you?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry looks down, nodding shortly. He knows what that feels like. He feels it every day now, since Zayn passed away. His heart does ache because of how much he misses him. "I'm sorry," he says, unsure of what else he can say.</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine. You wanted to know and I said you could ask whatever you wanted to."</p><p> </p><p>Harry feels tears well up in his eyes. "I'm sorry anyways. I never meant to hurt you, I hope you know."</p><p> </p><p>"I do," he smiles softly, "you're one of the kindest people I know, Harry. You cried watching Bambi."</p><p> </p><p>Harry cracks a smile. "It's a sad movie, Louis."</p><p> </p><p>"Fine, but what was your excuse for The Lorax?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at him.</p><p> </p><p>"They didn't have any trees left. It was sad!" Harry protests, wiping his eyes and shaking his head, a smile still on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>Louis chuckles. "Fair enough."</p><p> </p><p>They sit in silence for a but, their eyes meeting. Louis' look bluer, for some reason, softer, too. Harry unlocks his phone again to look at his list.</p><p> </p><p>"More?" Louis asks.</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods. "Is that okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, shoot."</p><p> </p><p>Harry clears his throat. "Did you end up finishing your degree?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis blinks. "Um, no, actually. I never did like uni, even if I did leave on impulse. I have a decent job, I enjoy it. I don't know if I'd go back any time soon. Maybe for art school. But that shit is expensive."</p><p> </p><p>"Art school? You still like art?" Harry asks, interested. Louis has always been good at it. He and Zayn met in an art elective he took after all. Harry just never knew he loved it that much.</p><p> </p><p>"Love it. While Liam and I travelled I realized just how much."</p><p> </p><p>"That's great. Where do you work now?" Harry asks curiously."Is it involving anything art-related?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um, yeah, I guess it does. I work as an intern for Flora. I don't know if you're familiar with the brand but, uh, yeah. They're a fashion design company. It's pretty interesting."</p><p> </p><p>"That's so cool. I know the brand. Good for you," Harry smiles.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks. And I hear you work with Niall? Liam mentioned it once."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, we work for publishing. Nothing exciting but it pays well."</p><p> </p><p>Louis frowns. "Oh, but you do love writing, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"I do, I just... read manuscripts though, as a job. So it's not exactly what I wanted to do."</p><p> </p><p>Louis nods. "And do you still want to write a book?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shrugs. "Honestly haven't thought about it for a while."</p><p> </p><p>"You should. I'm sure it'll be great."</p><p> </p><p>Harry gives him a pointed look. "How would you know that? You haven't read anything of mine in years."</p><p> </p><p>Louis shrugs nonchalantly. "Because I believe in you, I always have. I've loved your writing."</p><p> </p><p>Harry swallows at his words. "Thank you," he says sincerely, "maybe I will one day."</p><p> </p><p>Zayn did encourage him to write his own book, of course. But after a while, his attempts fell futile and he stopped asking Harry whether he was still writing or not. Which is fine, honestly, it was years after.</p><p> </p><p>Harry blinks, snapping out of his thoughts and clears his throat again. "Okay, this is the last one. Um, are you and Liam together?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis bursts out laughing, startling Blue.</p><p> </p><p>"No, Harry, god," he laughs, "he's my best friend and that's it. It's not like that; he has a boyfriend and I'm not a pining fool this time 'round."</p><p> </p><p>Harry frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, sorry. I didn't— it was a joke, okay? I've moved past it, Harry. It's been over a decade."</p><p> </p><p>"Decade, oh my god," Harry whispers, "this year is supposed to be our ten year wedding anniversary."</p><p> </p><p>Louis' face falls. "Shit, I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine," Harry laughs wetly, sniffing, "it's supposed to be in two months."</p><p> </p><p>"You guys were really happy, huh?" Louis asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Harry nods, "is that... is that weird for you to hear?"</p><p> </p><p>Louis rolls his eyes but he's smiling, making it seem half-hearted. "I'm fine, Harry. I know this is weird for you but I promise everything is okay, my life has moved on and so has yours."</p><p> </p><p>Harry stares at him before nodding. "Thank you for coming today."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course. Thank you for hearing me out."</p><p> </p><p>Harry chews on his lip. "Louis, I— I understand, I guess, why things happened but I don't— I don't know if I can just, um—"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't expect anything from you, Harry," he cuts Harry off, "all I wanted was a chance to explain myself."</p><p> </p><p>Harry nods.</p><p> </p><p>"Can you... tell me where your mind is at with everything right now?" Louis asks carefully.</p><p> </p><p>Harry sighs. "Confused, more than anything. 'Cause I didn't know any of this and I don't know how I missed it. I also feel... sorry. I wish I knew earlier."</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, don't. I— would that have changed anything? If I told you how I felt, I mean. Would you have felt something too? Would you have turned Zayn down?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry's cheeks flush as he shakes his head. "I don't think so. I just— you were always my best friend," he winces, "I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine," he purses his lips into a smile, still looking disappointed, "I thought as much, 'cause, you know if you felt the same maybe you wouldn't have fallen so hard for Zayn so..."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," he whispers, "I still am sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"Harry, don't be sorry about how you feel. If there's anything I've learnt after pining for years, is not to be sorry about what you feel."</p><p> </p><p>"You deserve someone good," Harry says, unsure of what else to say.</p><p> </p><p>"I know," he smiles, it's warm and wholesome, "and you had that with Zayn."</p><p> </p><p>"I did," Harry sighs sadly, "and now it's gone."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, to be fair, it'll never really be gone. What you two had was special, that kinda thing never really goes away."</p><p> </p><p>Harry's heart warms and aches simultaneously. "I really miss him," he admits quietly, "and it's not getting any easier."</p><p> </p><p>"I know but I promise it will get better," Louis says, "just take it one day at a time."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm trying," Harry frowns.</p><p> </p><p>Then they're silent until Louis speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>"You have pictures everywhere of you two," Louis says, scanning the room.</p><p> </p><p>Harry follows his gaze and smiles softly. "Yeah, Zayn and I wanted to make it feel homey and once we started, we couldn't stop. We're both big on family."</p><p> </p><p>"It's nice," Louis turns to him and smiles, "you should be proud."</p><p> </p><p>Harry hums in agreement.</p><p> </p><p>"Can I ask you something that's probably not the most appropriate thing to ask?"</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I've done the same, so, go for it," Harry shrugs.</p><p> </p><p>"You two were big on family and I've known you since you were little; you've always wanted kids. Is that... um, something you changed your mind about when you got married or?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's complicated," Harry huffs, "we wanted to wait a bit after we got married, because we were so young and our jobs weren't exactly stable enough to bring a child into the equation and then Zayn got promoted and he started traveling more so we held off it and then we got Blue about four years ago. We'd actually decided at the beginning of this year to start looking at foster care and adoption agencies," he chuckles, the sound hollow, "never got to that, I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"Shit, sorry I asked," Louis grimaces.</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine, I asked a lot of questions anyways," Harry shrugs again.</p><p> </p><p>"You had a right to. I was just nosy," Louis lips turn up into a small smirk.</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine," Harry reassures him again, "um, do you want anything else to eat or drink?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm good, thanks. Are you not gonna have anything at all?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry shakes his head. "Not hungry."</p><p> </p><p>"Have a big lunch?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, just not hungry," he mutters, "um, anyways, thank you again for coming."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, of course," Louis dusts his thighs, sitting at the edge of the couch, "will I... see you again?"</p><p> </p><p>Harry swallows. "Probably 'cause of Liam, I guess we will, um, see each other again."</p><p> </p><p>"Right," Louis mumbles, "if you ever do want to talk though, please don't hesitate to talk to me. Hopefully the offer this time is in better taste."</p><p> </p><p>Harry chuckles. "It is and thank you. It really helps to hear about what happened and what went on in your mind at the time."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, long overdue," Louis clears his throat, getting up, "um, I should probably head out; I have to get some errands done before going back home."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, okay," Harry gets up too, "I'll walk you out then."</p><p> </p><p>They walk side-by-side, Blue following behind them until Harry opens the door. Louis walks out, turning to face Harry and thanking him one last time before walking to his car. Harry waves at Louis and then he's gone. Harry feels much lighter, but there's still a nagging thought at the back of his mind and he's not sure what it is.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you guys think 🤗</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>what do you guys think so far?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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